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Dear
"Any thoughts,"
First, let me reassure you that the
problems that you are experiencing are normal for a young
couple with their first child. When you were both working
full-time there was probably a more equal distribution of
household chores or you paid someone else to take care of
things for you. Maybe you had someone come in and clean,
for example. But when you have a small child it means a
constant reorganizing of priorities because children's needs
must come first. Then it's easy to feel overwhelmed by a
messy house, and it's just plain exhausting to never have
a moment to yourself.
By the time you walk in from work
your wife is probably ready for a break and you also would
like some "down-time" to recover from your day.
Instead it feels like you must go into high gear in order
to cope with these demands for your time and attention.
It's a lot so let's try to extract the real issues here.
You two need to call a truce to the
contest of "who works harder." Both of you work
hard and both of you are stressed by it. Maybe the underlying
message in your arguments is some resentment on your part
about being the major financial support of this family.
If that 's the case then the two of you need to work out
a way to get past it or make it feel more equitable. As
for your travel schedule, I'm sure that your wife does understand
that this is necessary for your job, but it felt different
when she was on her own without responsibility for a child.
Perhaps your wife feels anxious when
she is on her own with the baby while you're traveling.
It's normal for her to worry that she might get sick and
be unable to care for the baby, or that something may happen
to the baby and she'll have to go to the emergency room
on her own. Your discussions about having a second child
may be adding to this anxiety. She may feel that she can
cope with one child but how could she possibly manage two
with your work schedule and her business? How much childcare
do you do now? Even when you're home, are you still working
on your computer or making phone calls?
As for the lack of physical closeness
and sexual intimacy that you have been experiencing, that
is also common for couples with a young child. It's hard
to feel amorous when you're too tired or are interrupted
by a crying baby. It's even difficult to have time for a
real conversation. This lack of connection with each other
has led to more disagreements. If there's anger or resentment
in the air then neither of you are feeling particularly
loving towards each other. You need to find a way to break
this cycle.
All is not hopeless, but it will
require some reorganizing of your lives. You need to make
regular plans to get out and spend time together as a couple.
Buy theater tickets or make dinner reservations in advance
so that you are committed to going out. Develop a list of
babysitters so that you have more options available. Call
your local high school and talk to a home economics teacher
to get some names of teens in your area. Have a mother's
helper come in after school to give her a break. If you
do this then your wife would probably feel less frantic
when you walk in the door and not make immediate requests
for you to help her out. Swap childcare time with another
family. Have someone take your child out for an afternoon
so that you can spend time making love without feeling pressured
or fatigued.
You have to consciously make time
for each other. If you wait until everything else is done,
then you'll never find the time. And, if you continue to
feel this tension in your marriage, have a few sessions
with a marital therapist. This person will help you look
honestly at the underlying issues here and help you two
work out new solutions together.
Dr. Louise Klein
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