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Dear
Marnie and Greg,
Most newlyweds have similar difficulties
regarding the holidays. In a bad marriage, the couple argues about
the issue. In a good marriage the couple argue, discuss, and compromise.
It's good that you cleared the air
about what bothers you about the other's family. Your next steps
are to discuss, then compromise on where to spend the holiday.
Remember that you can't be at two places simultaneously.
You have options:
One option is travel together to
Boston. First, Greg, assure Marnie that she is more important
to you than your folks. Tell her, "We've been near your Mother
all year, please, let's take turns. This year it's Boston with
or without your Mother. Next year we'll stay in town." Marnie,
accept his invitation that includes Mom. If Mom does not agree
to join you, too bad. Remember your first loyalty is to your husband.
Behave graciously and respectfully to his parents. Who knows --
maybe all of you will have fun.
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Feedback from
a Visitor:
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Just thought I
would drop a note to say that perhaps the best communication
my husband and I have ever had in our nearly thirty-five-year
marriage is the following: "we are not one another's enemies."
If we continue to have a great relationship, we need to
deal with the in-laws and the "out-laws" as a team. It really
does work. It is not us against them -- it is that we are
(while autonomous individuals) standing as one in compelling
family matters.
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Another option is to stay in town
with Marnie's widowed mother.
Marnie, assure Greg that your love for him is more important than
for your mom. Ask him, "Please, this first year let's stay
in town and include Mom. Next year, when I feel more secure we
will spend Christmas with your folks."
A third option is possible because
you have no children. Marne, spend the day with your Mom. Greg
can fly home, and return the next day for a wonderful reunion
with Marnie.
Still another option is to spend
the holiday alone without any family. Explain to each side this
is your decision for the first year of marriage. No one needs
to be hurt; only disappointed.
Whatever the option you choose, you
need to stand firm as a couple, your loyalty being to each other
first and foremost.
Back
to Drama
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