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Dear
Headache,
First, be grateful that your children
are not the favored ones. Have you ever heard the expression "There's
no such thing as a free lunch."? Those children may get more
attention/gifts/whatever than your kids do but it also comes with
a hefty price tag, more involvement from their grandparents.
Usually when a client tells me that
their parents are "controlling and overbearing" I begin
to wonder if there's money involved somewhere. Sometimes people
will tolerate incredibly difficult situations because there's
some kind of inheritance involved and they're afraid of being
cut out of the will. I don't know if this applies to your situation
but the basic question remains: Why do you brother and sister-in-law
put up with this?
I suggest that you take a step back
from all this conflict, if that's possible. Your brother and sister-in-law
will need to set their own boundaries with your husband's parents.
You and your husband will also need to set your own boundaries
with this couple.
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| You
can only take care of yourself and set your own limits with
his parents. Be firm, be patient, and make sure that you and
your husband agree on how to handle this situation. |
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And now let's talk about a way to
get rid of your constant headache.
Take yourself out of the middle of this situation and stop listening
to everyone's complaints about everyone else. For example, if
your mother-in-law says something like "I can't believe that
Karen sends those kids to school dressed like that!", then
you need to say, "It's not my business what Karen does. If
you have a concern then you should speak to her directly."
This same thing holds true for your brother and sister-in-law.
If they begin complaining about things that his parents have done,
you need to interrupt them and say, "I'm sorry but I just
don't want to talk about them today. If they're bothering you,
then you two need to sit down with them and work this through."
Now let me warn you that this will
not make you everyone's favorite person. No one is going to thank
you for your wisdom and insight. They'll be most likely to stomp
off and not talk to you for a few days. That's fine. As long as
you delivered your message calmly, politely, and without blame,
then you'll be fine in the long run. This may take a few times
until they all get the message that you're no longer playing the
game. You can only take care of yourself and set your own limits
with his parents. Be firm, be patient, and make sure that you
and your husband agree on how to handle this situation.
Dr. Louise Klein
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