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Dear
"Dumped Upon,"
We hear that you have started your marriage
on what seems to be very problematic grounds. You have been forced
to handle problems that no married couple should have to endure.
We hear that you are in a crisis situation.
As a young and new couple you have had
to take upon yourself responsibilities for a teenager, which is
a challenge for even the most experienced parents. Thereafter
you have had to take upon yourself two more children. This makes
you, as you rightly say, a mother of three, but these aren't even
your own children -- however fond of them you might be. This situation
has brought you to a point where you have not had the opportunity
to grow as a couple.
What has in fact happened is that you and
your husband have let your marriage be invaded by your husband's
family. Your marriage has been invaded by people who don't belong
to it, who belong outside of it.
Obviously you were in a situation where
it seemed to you that you could not refuse these people. But when
such a situation arises, there is a need for negotiation and dialog.
You and your husband avoided discussing whether his cousin or
brother-in-law should move in and once they did move in who would
be responsible for what.
Ignoring problems only makes them get worse.
This is one of those rules in life that it's best to learn now.
We would like you to know that marriage
-- and for that matter any 'serious' relationship -- has its boundaries.
They need not always be physical, but they need to be clear. You
and your husband are a couple, and it's time for you to remember
that. Being a couple may sometimes mean saying no to the inappropriate
demands of the family. You and your husband need to learn how
to defend your relationship.
We believe that both of you know that there
are serious problems in your relationship. By sending you these
letters it seems as if your husband is trying to create a crisis
in your marriage. Let it be a wake-up call for you to act. Your
relationship is in danger and you need to find the courage to
face your husband.
Talk to him -- not in a reproachful tone
-- but just state the facts: your marriage isn't going well, you
have no intimacy together, you don't enjoy being together anymore,
his family is an obstacle to building a strong and intimate marriage,
you love him and want to work things out.
So we would like to strengthen you in your
endeavor to talk to your husband, and to set clear limits in your
relationship. If your brother-in -law has to stay, then ask your
husband if he understand that you all must sit down together and
discuss the terms by which he can stay.
If your husband has problems in setting
clear limits with his brother (which it seems he has) ask your
husband that he at least support you in your demands towards your
brother-in-law!!
It is time for you and your husband to
learn how to be a couple and to make your marriage the highest
priority in your lives. You need to learn how to be together as
a couple, how to talk about the important things in your life,
how to share your dreams and expectations and how to solve your
current challenges. The best way to open up these discussions
is to ask him how he would like your marriage to be.
Good luck,
Marc Gelkopf, PhD and Elisabeth Belais-Gelkopf,
SW
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