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Dear
"Second Marriage,"
When two people enter into a second
marriage they usually feel that this time it will be better
than the first time around. They're older, wiser, more realistic,
less na?ve, (Shimon note accent) and so forth. The truth
is that expectations are even higher the second time around.
Therefore when problems begin to surface the feelings of
hurt, anger and disappointment are also greater.
You say that for each of you the
first marriage ended because of an affair. Is that the only
reason that you got divorced or were there other problems?
Sometimes an affair is cited as the reason for the divorce
but it's really only a symptom of more problematic issues.
Was his drinking one of the factors behind his divorce?
If possible, it would useful for you to talk with his ex-wife.
Was he also abusive towards her?
What do you mean by "he gets
violent"? Has he ever hit you or the children? Threatened
you? Thrown things? Broken things? Have you ever wanted
to call the police? You must take this very seriously. Abusive
situations are marked by an escalating pattern of destructive
behavior. Don't say to yourself, "but this only happens
when he is drinking." It sounds like his drinking is
increasing. Where does he go when he disappears for days?
Is he having blackouts? Has money been missing from your
joint bank accounts? Does he go to work those days? Could
he be involved with drugs, gambling or an affair?
Abusers are often remorseful when
they sober up and make promises that it will never happen
again. But unless he backs this up with a call to a therapist
or Alcoholic's Anonymous, then he is not going to change.
There's an old joke that contains more than a grain of truth.
It asks, "How can you tell when an addict is lying
to you? Their lips are moving."
Ideally, it would be best if you
could get some couple's counseling but your husband also
needs to confront his own problems by himself. You should
find yourself a therapist to help you address your issues
and to improve your feelings of self-worth. You do not deserve
to be treated this way. Your therapist will work with you
on setting boundaries for him. Your husband needs to know
that his drinking, his abuse, and his absences will no longer
be tolerated.
You need to do this for yourself
and for the sake of your children. This is not a healthy
example of a marriage. Would you want to see your children
in similar situations? Of course not, so respect yourself
for the person that you are. It might also be helpful for
you to seek out a group called Al-Anon. This organization
helps the family members of alcoholics. Call your local
chapter of AA to see if there is a meeting in your area.
On a secondary level, you mention
the conflict with his children because they don't abide
by the same rules as your children. This is a common problem
in stepfamilies. The good news is that it is fixable. The
bad news is that it requires the stepparent and biological
parent to hammer out a set of rules and present a united
front to the children.
At present you and your husband have
bigger problems to deal with but you should still discuss
this with your therapist and get some guidance on how to
deal with his children and how to get him to be less demanding
of your children. Down the road your husband may be able
to hear you and back you up on this but for the time being
he sounds immersed in his own problems. Take care of the
bigger issues first.
Dr. Louise Klein
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