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Dear "Bathing,"
Your letter could serve as a textbook study
for the adjustment issues of a stepfamily. It's not easy, is it?
Years two to three in a remarriage are often a crunch time. The
honeymoon is over for all of you and now you're down to the daily
grind of several distinct personalities trying to co-exist together.
The good news is that it is possible for your situation to get
better.
The first thing that you need to do is
to remind yourself that his children are his responsibility. You
may not agree with the way that some things are handled, but you
can only intervene on a limited basis. Remember that you are dealing
with teenagers; it's kind of like the "terrible two's"
but more verbal!
I would bet that his daughters know that
not bathing totally pushes your buttons and therefore they are
almost defiant in their insistence that they don't need a bath.
As difficult as it might be to ignore this, you have to. You're
the adult here and you have to stop playing their game. Teenage
girls are usually somewhat obsessive about their appearance and
all it will take is one comment from a friend that they look or
smell dirty and you'll never get them out of the shower. So back
off on this issue.
As for building separate rooms for each
girl in your new house, you and your husband need to sit down
and talk through this so that you present a unified front to all
the children. There are two sides to this issue. To you it's a
practical matter. If the girls are only there a few days per month
then it seems sensible to have them share a room. But the girls
perceive this as meaning that they are less important in your
household than your own children.
Remember that you are dealing with emotions
here, and that feelings don't respond well to logic. If it's not
possible to give each girl a separate room then your husband needs
to be the one to tell them this, and make it clear that he speaks
for both of you. He needs to reassure them that he loves them
and that this is not about favoring your kids over them.
It sounds like you are trying hard to be
fair, buying new bedding and so forth, but this is really not
about the rooms but about feeling hurt and angry. I don't know
the circumstances surrounding your (you and your husband's) divorces,
or how long it was between divorce and remarriage. You don't say
if the girl's mother has remarried also. If she hasn't remarried,
then the girls may be feeling resentful that their mother is alone
while their dad has made a new life. If she has remarried, then
they're dealing with integrating yet another stepfamily into their
lives. Either way, it sounds like the girls are still hurting
from the divorce but it's not okay for them to dump their hurt
on you. Your husband needs to make that very clear to them.
I think that you and your husband would
benefit from some couple's counseling sessions in order to clarify
your expectations and goals for this new family. Take a trip to
your local bookstore and check out the books on stepfamilies.
You'll be reassured to see how normal your situation is. There
are stages that stepfamilies go through and strategies for weathering
the inevitable storms. There are also support groups for stepfamilies.
Contact a therapist to find out about local resources or check
the back of the above books for a listing of organizations. And
one last suggestion -- make sure that you and your husband find
time for each other away from all of the children.
Go to a movie or out to dinner, just do
something that's fun. This is also important for your mental health.
Dr. Louise Klein
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