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Dear
"Confused in Canada,"
Your conflict between passionate love for a man who is not
your husband and duty to your sons and husband is poignant.
I can try to help you clarify some points.
It could be that you connect marriage
to stable life and to lack of love and passion because in
your childhood experience, marriage and family life are
connected to trauma, fighting and alcohol abuse -- there
is no room for happiness. You feel that you owe your family
the life that your parents owed you as a child but didn't
succeed in giving you. Unconsciously, or maybe consciously,
you feel that you have to fix some situation from your childhood
through your present family, in order to save... what?
Today, you feel that you are paying
the highest price -- your own deep truth. It is important
to be faithful to ourselves as far as we can and have the
courage to make the right decision. On the other hand, knowing
and accepting the fact that you don't have to save your
family may change the way you feel towards both your
husband and your lover. You may eventually look at your
husband not as a gatekeeper and your lover not as a savior,
but rather as two men who play two opposite roles in your
life. This situation pulls you in two separate directions
and creates your present conflict.
After you drop the role of savior
of family stability, you may realize and understand your
true feelings. I would suggest that you work on those issues
with a therapist.
Good luck,
Arlette Shimon Yarmuch, MSW
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