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Dear
Confused Wife,
A critical piece of information
is missing from your letter. How long did you know your husband
before you married him? It's natural in the first rush of
excitement to be obsessed with each other. Couples during
this intensely romantic period are often only interested in
each other and shut out the rest of the world. If you got
married during a period of great passion and love, then you
have to face the reality that all relationships go through
cooling off periods especially after the birth of a new baby.
Now you're both juggling the
new responsibility of being parents and probably suffering
from a lack of sleep and any meaningful time together. You
both need to be aware of these changes. It may be that he
has retreated into his work as you became the primary caretaker
for this infant. He may feel shut out as you put most of your
attention on your newborn. Before it was only the two of you
and now you have a demanding infant whom you can't ignore.
It's not uncommon for husbands to feel rejected and cut off
from their wives after the birth of a child.
Another thing: Do you have help
with the baby? If you don't, then you need to get a babysitter
or family member to come in to give you support so you can
get a break both for yourself and for the marriage.
It is a big leap from the loss
that you now feel as your relationship goes through this natural
change to deciding that the marriage must be over. I know
that you miss your "obsessed" husband but it doesn't
sound like he feels like this is the end. I can feel your
disappointment that he's not as attentive as he used to be
but asking him to leave seems to be premature. I would suggest
that you initiate contact with him. Be your old romantic,
loving self with him, and see how he responds. I suspect his
reaction will be quite positive.
Have you considered seeing a
marital therapist to help you explore your marriage? If your
husband won't go, then at the very least you should enter
therapy to explore your own feelings about him and the marriage.
You have a new baby. You have to take into consideration the
impact a divorce would have on this child's life. However,
you're far from divorce. First, explore other options. You
owe it to yourself.
Dr. Louise Klein
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