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Dear
Long Distance,
You bring up a few painful issues
in your letter. First is the issue of trust, and second is the
issue of your so-called inability to express love and compassion
- your "passion gap." The two issues may be connected.
When your husband is with you,
he complains that you are not loving enough. One of the things
that we have learned from biological research is that many
couples have different levels of desire that are probably
regulated not by communications skills, love or anything but
simple chemistry. Apparently, testosterone, a hormone that
is found in both men and women, is that chemical. There are
both men and women with high and low T-levels.
The problems surface when the
excitement and passion of a new relationship wear off (within
a few months to a year or two) and a couple finds that one
of them is high T and the other is low T. This natural phenomenon
can create a great deal of pain and conflict in their relationship.
For example, when one member of the couple is looking for
sex and is turned down by the other, he feels a lack of love,
compassion and intimacy. This often starts a downward cycle
that accelerates and leads to communication difficulties,
problems in the bedroom and finally a lack of trust and intimacy.
So where does that leave you?
Educating both of yourselves about this can be very helpful.
Learning to talk about what you each want from each other,
without blame and reproach can be difficult but rewarding.
Long periods apart can be especially
trying to a marital relationship. It can lead to feelings
of loneliness, suspicion and jealousy. There are undoubtedly
temptations for both of you that you have to struggle to avoid.
These fears and unmet needs can lead to conflict and mistrust.
Talking about your feelings with each other during these long
periods of separation might be helpful.
You need to feel comfortable with
your behavior, and be able to live honestly with yourself. You
cannot control what your husband thinks and does. Rather than
focusing on earning his trust, you might put your energies into
communicating with him and discussing with him your feelings.
If you feel threatened by doing it face- to- face, or if you try
a face to face discussion, it deteriorates into a yelling match,
you might try letter writing. Often, writing a letter is a lot
easier and less scary, and allows you to complete your thoughts
without getting cut off. Since your husband is often overseas,
letter writing would be quite natural. However, even if he is
at home, as a start you might find that writing to him might work
better for you. Your letter might prove to be the springboard
to fruitful, calmer discussions.
Good Luck!
Naomi L. Baum, PhD.
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