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Dear Feeling Asexual,
It seems from your letter
that you are well aware of some of the factors influencing your
lack of desire. Prozac can have an effect on people's sex drive.
There are substitutes for Prozac that do not have this effect,
so you may want to talk about this with your doctor.
You're quite certain that your abortion
contributes to your lack of attraction to your fiancè.
Did you feel this lack of desire before your abortion? If your
problems with sexual desire started after the abortion, you might
want to examine whether or not you blame him in some way for "getting
you into trouble," or perhaps you see it as some form of
punishment for enjoying sexual activities. Abortions can be traumatic
events without the true effects of the abortion being realized
in a conscious way. In order to understand your reaction better,
it is of the utmost importance to discuss it with your fiancè.
Beginning a marriage with a "barren
sex life" does not sound promising. I wonder why you would
even consider going through with the marriage knowing that such
an important aspect of your relationship is so problematic. Your
fiancè is always the one who initiates, you "give
in" sometimes, but more often you reject his advances.
From my experience with couples in
therapy, this scenario does not foretell success. Eventually,
the husband feels humiliated by what he sees as a comment on his
lack of sexual desirability and a challenge to his self-esteem.
The woman feels pressured every time they go to bed and sex usually
comes to a near standstill with a lot of tension.
If you are so madly in love with
your fiancè, what prevents you from wanting him? Could
it be that you are protecting yourself from being too vulnerable
to him? Sexual desire is a complicated issue. If you are determined
to go ahead with the marriage, I would advise going to couple
therapy beforehand and addressing the sexual issue directly.
Sincerely,
Marsha Ellentuck, MSW
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