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In Drinking
Drama: The Codependent Wife, there has probably been a gradual
slide into concern with drinking problems in Lia and Robert's
marriage. What started out as a few too many drinks in a social
situation has become an addiction. Robert now drinks every day,
he drinks when alone instead of only with company and his drinking
is affecting his behavior. He and his family are in trouble.
In the early years of their marriage
Robert's drinking was probably confined to the weekend so if he
were hung over it was not "a big deal." He could take
a few aspirins, drink lots of coffee and just sleep it off.
Not a problem, right?
Wrong!!
Even then it was likely that Lia
was resentful of the lost weekends. After drinking Saturday night
Robert didn't have the energy to do chores on Sunday or visit
with family. He just wanted Lia to keep the kids quiet and to
tiptoe around him. He slept late and stayed on the couch all day
while she felt like she never got a break. Plus she got tired
of making excuses about why he never accompanied her on weekend
activities. Sometimes she said that he was exhausted from a hard
week at work. At other times she would phone her friends and say
that one of the kids was sick so that she wouldn't have to face
going somewhere without him. Covering up for a spouse is a sure
sign that the couple are in a dance of co-dependency.
At that point Lia would have done
anything to "keep the peace" in the house. She was afraid
to set limits on his drinking or his behavior. The few times that
she tried to urge him to drink less he responded angrily so she
learned to keep quiet. But as she did this her resentment and
frustration grew. The situation is ready to explode by the time
they have reached the above dialogue.
It's an oft-repeated line that it's
"only beer" or "only wine." These are still
alcohol. If she tries to dump it all down the sink he'll probably
just get in the car and drive to the nearest liquor store or bar.
Driving "with a buzz on" is just another term for driving
drunk. Maybe he'll be pulled over by the police and given a warning
or suspension. But he could also have an accident and hurt or
kill himself or someone else. Or maybe nothing at all will happen
and this will just increase his feeling of invulnerability, as
there will be no consequences to driving under the influence.
By now Lia is not sure how much more
of this she can tolerate. She blames the drinking as if it's a
living, breathing being that's destroying her marriage. She's
tired of feeling trapped in this relationship. She's worried about
the effect that the arguments are having on her children. But
mainly she's scared about being abandoned or having to leave Robert.
She's worried about how she would support herself and the children.
And what could she possibly tell them about why she and their
dad are no longer together?
Lia's first step needs to be taking
care of herself. She talks about her alcoholic father and how
she feels that she was set up to marry someone with similar issues.
She should join Al-Anon, a support group for people who are living
with an alcoholic. She could obtain a list of meetings by making
a phone call to her local chapter of Alcoholic's Anonymous. There
she would learn that she is only responsible for her own choices
and actions, not Robert's. She can't make him stop drinking, but
she can change the fruitless way they currently argue. She will
learn to set limits with him and stick to them. Lia would also
benefit from some individual counseling. She needs to increase
her self-esteem so that she will not be afraid of Robert leaving
her if she starts to assert herself. She will learn that she deserves
more from her marriage.
It will not be useful to leave literature
from AA or alcohol rehabilitation programs "lying around"
for Robert to stumble upon. This will just make him angry and
more defiant about not having a problem. Lia's best course of
action may be to get on with her life without worrying about whether
he'll be sober enough to make an appearance.
For example, she could have handled
the dinner with her new friend in another way. Lia could have
just planned to have dinner with Adrienne without including Robert.
If he asked her why he's not included, she could answer him in
a straightforward manner that she couldn't be sure that he would
have behave appropriately. If he got angry and defensive she could
have quietly left the room and not become drawn into an argument.
Of course this will be difficult! I'm not trying to minimize that
fact, but Lia needs to develop ways of relating to Robert that
are different. She needs to stop making excuses for him. She'll
have to start small and make changes as her confidence grows.
Most people with addictions seek
help only when they've "hit bottom." Robert has got
to be the one who wants to change his life. He may realize that
he'll lose his family or his job, or both, if he keeps drinking.
Maybe a co-worker will notice the days when Robert is hung-over
and tell their captain. Most fire departments have access to counseling
through Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs). Sometimes an intervention
is done and proves to be effective. This is where the family and
friends of the alcoholic confront him as a group about his drinking.
But this should only be done with the guidance of a therapist,
as resources need to be in place immediately if the person agrees
to seek help.
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