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(For Living with Infertility -
Gary's Voice
- Click Here)
Gary doesn't really
understand how I feel.
It's so different for women.
Men can feel fulfilled in their work. But a woman needs to
be a mother to feel like she's complete. I don't know if a
man can understand that. It's like I'm cut off from myself
in a way.
There's this part of me that
wants so badly to nurture and take care of a child. It hurts
every time I see a woman with her children. I just want to
cry when I hear a child's voice or laughter. My heart breaks,
and I don't know how to control it.
I know I'm making Gary miserable
but I don't know what to do. It bothers him too -- I can see that.
But it's just not the same for a man.
Every month I wait and pray that
my period won't come. And then when it does, sometimes I just
wish I would die. I can't imagine going on like this forever --
month after month.
And people are so insensitive.
The other day I was eating lunch in the park and watching
some kids play in the sandbox, when a woman came over and
tried to make conversation. She asked me which one was mine.
I couldn't help breaking down and crying right there in front
of her. She must have thought I was insane. Something inside
me just aches at the thought that I'll never hold a child
of my own, or smell that sweetness.
It seems like wherever I go lately,
all I see are pregnant women. I never noticed so many before.
Even my Mom tries to be nice and talk to me about our problems,
but it's hard for me to confide in anyone these days. They
just wouldn't understand unless they've been through it themselves.
The doctor says I might have to take
some new pills now that will make me sick. Doesn't he know I'd
try anything -- take any test, pills or even let them operate
-- if only the end result would be a baby?! I don't think Gary
feels the same way, but he never wants to talk about it anymore
with me.
He means well, though. I know
he does. I guess all this is hard on him also. It's difficult
for me to make love by a doctor's schedule too. It takes all
the romance out of things. And I'm just as humiliated by some
of the questions we have to answer and tests they do on us
as he is. I just feel that anything is worth it.
I never dreamed I'd be one of
those people others felt sorry for. When someone says the
wrong thing to me, sometimes I'd just like to shrivel up and
disappear. Life isn't really worth living this way. All the
joy has gone out of our marriage and it's hard to feel cheerful
when everyone else is pushing a baby carriage and my own arms
are empty.
Judy
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