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Dear
"Sex Initiator,"
It isn't clear from your letter if
your wife is never in the mood since she found about your
affair or it's something that was going on beforehand. It
sounds like your wife is still very angry and hurt about
your affair, which could definitely influence her desire
for you.
Women, in general, have more difficulty
initiating sex. Many men are frustrated by this and feel
it is unfair that the responsibility of starting always
falls on them.
Women often talk about getting into
sex as another "project" that they feel they have
to do. It seems that the switch that allows men to go from
the different roles that they take on -- father, worker
and lover -- works differently for women.
Women describe the feeling of being
unable to cut off from their thoughts and feelings of the
day and suddenly think of being sexually turned on as they
get into bed. Most men, on the other hand, have no difficulty
getting turned on very quickly and can concentrate on sex.
Very often couples will tell me if
they have been arguing, the man will think the bed is the
best place to make amends while the woman gets even more
angry at the thought of engaging in an intimate act with
someone she is having a hard time with. This, of course,
does not hold true with everyone. There are men who have
trouble with the "switch," and there are women
who initiate, but from my clinical experience, they are
in the minority.
Why is this so? Perhaps it is the
way we are brought up, in a society that encourages men
to be always ready for sex and encourages women to be the
ones that hold back. Perhaps it is a biological difference.
But what, if anything, can be done about it? Men can understand
that lack of initiation on the part of their wives is not
a sign that she doesn't love him. In order to get her into
the mood, he might have to figure out what makes it easier
for her to do so. Perhaps, it's letting her relax a bit
more before bedtime -- doing more of the household chores,
giving her a glass of wine or giving her a foot massage
in front of the television.
I don't think it falls on the man
to do it all, however. Women also have to take responsibility
for getting into sex, if, of course, that is what they want.
They can tell their partners what they need from them, as
well as figuring out what they have to do internally to
get into a more sexual mood. If couples want to have enjoyable
sex, they must invest in it.
Getting over an affair is not an
easy thing to do. Your wife sounds like she is worried that
you might not be committed to your marriage. Hoping that
she will completely forget about your affair is not realistic.
Affairs are betrayals of trust. Your wife might be doubtful
if she can ever fully trust you again, but her real issue
is if she can ever fully trust herself to do what she thinks
is the right thing to do. The same thing goes for you. Can
you really trust yourself not to break your commitment to
her again?
If you're not satisfied with your
sex life, and your wife knows it, both of you still might
have other women on your minds -- for her, as a possible
threat, for you, as a possible way of satisfying your sexual
needs. Therefore, both of you must work on being honest
with each other about your feelings towards sex, towards
intimacy, towards your relationship. You both must decide
whether you want to honor your commitments or make other
decisions concerning your future. Good relationships, as
with good sex, comes as a result of taking risks in revealing
ourselves to our partners.
Sincerely,
Marsha Ellentuck, MSW
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