Christie Brinkley just had a baby at 43 or 44, Jane Seymour had twins at 45. Must they go on magazine covers, right after having the baby and look skinny, rested and vibrant? Must they look so damn good and happy?

Jane and Christie would also have fat under their bra straps if they didn't have cooks and trainers and 24-hour-a-day nursemaids

I'm not against having babies in your forties. Really. I'm 44 and would love to have another kid. (I'm a little crazy.)

But these women set up unfair expectations. If you're anything like me, after giving birth, your face is so fat it could be a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Till you get your body back. Or if you get your body back.

I didn't have kids until my 30s. During my first pregnancy, the gynecologist said, "You're one of those skinny women who may need to gain more." I gained and gained and my body looked like an elephant's. My own mother didn't recognize me.

By baby #3, when I complained about my weight, the doctor looked at the scale and said, "You're an ordinary woman who may not need to gain much." (an ordinary fat woman)

By the time I had my 4^th at the age of 39, I had gained weight in places like my armpits, my knee caps, and my back. Fat had just grown there.

Your body rearranges itself when you're not looking.

Okay, so go ahead and have a baby at 44. Only know that you are not going to come out looking like the stars.

And it's not only because you may have a 40-year-old body. Jane and Christie would also have fat under their bra straps if they didn't have cooks and trainers and 24-hour-a-day nursemaids.

I remember reading an article about Andie McDowell. After she gave birth, she had her cook steam her broccoli with garlic every morning for breakfast.

That means she wasn't like the rest of us, who after giving birth are grateful that the kids leave over the crusts of cinnamon toasts their dad made them before he left for work.

It means she can probably go to the bathroom without holding a crying baby.

It means that while the rest of us are trying to do a few dishes and clear a path from the living room to the bathroom, she is probably on her treadmill with a cute guy coaching her.

It means that she can give the baby to a smiling nurse in the middle of the night. She does not have to rely on the favors of a man who sleeps like Rip Van Winkle.

Because one of the worst things about having a baby in middle age is that you probably have a middle-aged husband.

To wake a middle-aged guy up at night you need a hurricane or an earthquake. Even then he may not rise.

Even worse, have you ever heard a middle-aged husband snore? When the baby cries in the middle of the night, your husband will be snoring. And when you try to go back to sleep your husband will be snoring. And you will not be able to fall asleep.

If you are going to have a baby at 44, the key is to have a husband who is half your age so that 1) you don't have to listen to him snoring and 2)he can get up to help you.

If you're not married to a younger man, there's still hope.

Here's what you need to do:
Get your husband to video you singing to your baby.
Send it to MTV,
Make the first MTV lullaby video.

They can play your song in the middle of the night, when the only people up in the world are nursing mothers and their babies!

Then you'll have enough money to hire a nurse (hello, sleep!), a gourmet low fat chef, and a personal trainer (hello, body!).

(I hope you like brocolli and garlic for breakfast!)