Let's face it: first borns are guinea pigs. Their parents generally have no idea what they're doing. If they're anything like me.

Maybe some of you knew about babies before you had them, but frankly, I'd spent more time with caterpillars than I had with babies.

The first night in the hospital when they brought my son to me in the hospital to nurse and he started crying, I honestly looked around for somebody to help me. Where's his mother? I thought.

And then it dawned on me. It was me.

He made me a mother. Quickly. He was a great baby. Big for his age.

I thought he would be able to do his own laundry by the time he was two.

No wonder most of the astronauts are first borns. They will do anything to get away from those parents who hounded them mercilessly.

Other mothers report the same phenomenon. Amanda, the mother of three boys, says that with her first, she was frustrated when he wouldn't go in the ocean at the age of two and play in the wild surf. "C'mon," she said, "don't be a baby."

And then she realized. He was. A baby.

No wonder most of the astronauts are first borns. They will do anything to get away from those parents who hounded them mercilessly.

The middle children. Their parents hardly notice them. As a result, they suffer less from their parents' neurosis and are relaxed, easy going, and malleable-peacemakers. I am a middle child. My sisters are still fighting-- each is waiting for me to side with them.

Some authorities say that the in- between kids actually have the most comfortable position in the birth order. They don't have to please their parents because the parents are too busy with the next kid.

I have two middle children, born just a year-and-a- half-apart. Each is so social and self-confident, they could mediate a dinner party with world leaders conferring on world peace-and find a way to stop nuclear armament.

The youngest- the baby. Or should I say the king? The king needs his court to serve him. The king needs his food served, his clothes brought to him.

My husband is youngest born. He is still waiting for me to bring him his pipe and slippers when he comes home.

The baby is not as achievement oriented as the others, especially the firstborn who is still seeking mommy and daddy 's approval. The baby never gives a hoot about mommy and daddy's approval.

Of course, anybody can be an astronaut or a social worker or a performance artist. We are not psychologically stuck in our birth order.

Except if you're the youngest child of parents who themselves were youngest children. (You will paint your kitchen in red and yellow polka dots.)

Or the oldest of two oldest children. (You will always want to drive-even on the city bus.)

Or the middle of two middle children. (Strangers on the street will stop you and ask you if they should leave their wives.)

But parents, there is a way to spare your child the trauma of being defined by their place in the birth order.

Have twins.