Well, as I said, I went shopping.

My anger began to subside as I drove out of my neighborhood to a mall farther away. I wasn't in the mood to meet friends and I certainly didn't want to meet any of my colleagues who thought I was home sick.

I began to come back a little to myself. I know it might sound ridiculous, given the subject that was on my mind, but there is something about the feel of camel coat sleeves between my fingers and nibbling on peanut-butter cups in the car that connects me with a part of my inner self, a self I don't usually have the time (or desire) to pamper. I love sitting on burgundy chairs while someone slips soft leather pumps onto my feet and trying on make-up at a sweet-smelling cosmetics counter, walking away with scented body lotion that someone with long, manicured fingers has stroked on my hands and with creamy lipstick, chosen just for me, in a purple suede gift pouch.

It is the other part of me, the alter ego outside the briefcase and boardroom. A psychologist would probably have a way to explain it. Frankly, I don't care. I suddenly felt like indulging myself in comfort food and comfort activities. Hey, I told myself, You've given up what may have been the love of your life. Your moral character can certainly afford a few lesser sins.

But this time shopping didn't give me the fun high it usually does. I fingered a string of black pearls and all I could think about was how Eric would compliment how they look on me. I felt the soft silk of a negligee and imagined Eric slipping it off of me, dropping it silently to the floor. The new lipstick I tried on reminded me of his fervent kiss in the elevator. I sniffed a new scent and imagined his face nuzzled in the crook of my neck, whispering to me that he loved my perfume.

I began to feel the anger rising again. When was the last time Dan had complimented me, slowly pulled a negligee off of me, kissed me with passion or nuzzled my neck? I couldn't even remember. My God, I asked myself again, Why did you run away?

After what should have been two glorious hours, but instead were hours filled with painful, unfulfilled fantasies, I took a break from shopping and found a table in a quiet corner of a luxurious caf? on the entrance floor of a high-priced office building. I tried to relax and just enjoy some prurient pleasure. I ordered cappuccino and licked the whipped cream off my spoon as I gazed out at the busy men and women in suits and expensive haircuts rushing by to appointments. Was I really part of this world? I felt so confused.

Was I in another "space" in my life now than where I was when I married Dan? Maybe that was part of the problem. Back then I used to have time to bake muffins, work in the garden and finger paint with the kids. Maybe what I needed to do was to take a step back for a while, even get away by myself, to somewhere neutral.

Maybe what I needed was, for a short while, to not be in the house with Dan, to not be in the office where my world included people like Eric. Maybe what I needed was to be somewhere that was nowhere with nobody I knew.

I walked by a wallpaper shop and glanced in for a moment, remembering that I had to check out paper for the new kitchen we had just put in. My God, I thought, here I am checking out wallpaper at the same time I'm thinking about walking out the door. I abruptly thanked the clerk and hurried out the door to the parking lot.

I drove home, chilled from the crisp air. Yesterday, in the restaurant with Eric, I had felt so warm. I guess it was because I had felt so wanted.

Dan was in our bedroom, resting. The kids were sitting quietly next to him, looking through photo albums of our vacation last summer. Little Wade was curled up in the crook of his arm. It was like a Norman Rockwell painting.

My blood froze. Dan was lying on my pillow.

And under that pillow, beneath my husband's head and inches from the curious fingers of my children, lay a green diary that, if found by them, would blow their world apart.

COMING SOON
A NEW CHAPTER OF THE AFFAIR -
SHE DIDN'T DO IT