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Dear No Time for Myself,
From the tone of your letter I would
have to think that your wife is an unreasonable and demanding
woman. You enable her to leave the house three or more times
a week while she is brutally critical of you for asking for
a morsel of time for yourself. This certainly doesn't sound
fair. I don't know your wife and I don't know how she perceives
the same situation. However, what I do understand is that
you feel victimized by her and powerless in your ability to
communicate your needs. You believe that what you're asking
for is legitimate and you just don't understand why she can't
get it.
The Game
If your wife is truly a nasty, ungrateful
and selfish woman, then the only advice I can offer you is
either accept it or get out as fast as possible. However,
I'm going to assume a different reality, one that is based
on twenty-five years as a marital therapist. This reality
is the following: You and your wife are caught in the common
marital game called "Who is the Biggest Victim?" In that game
the two competitors vie for the position of whose needs are
more legitimate. The interesting thing about this game is
that there are three losers: you, your wife and the marriage.
You think that you've lost because your wife gets to do what
she wants and you don't. Your wife loses because she's convinced
that you don't care about her or the family and the marriage
loses because the end result of this game is "two days worth
of arguing." The only way to end a game is to know when you're
in one. Here are the signs: It's repetitive, the players feel
awful and nothing gets resolved. However one thing may change
-- the roles. Sometimes the husband is the victim and the
wife is the persecutor and sometimes they switch and the husband
becomes the finger pointer while the wife desperately attempts
to defend herself. One thing never changes -- everyone feels
miserable.
So here's my advice:
- Recognize that you're in
a repetitive pattern called a game and that as long as you
choose to play neither of you will ever get what you need.
- Don't fight, argue or complain
to your wife about your lack of time for yourself. Tell
her that you want her help in finding a few hours a week
for yourself. If she wants to understand why you need it,
explain your reasons in a non-defensive manner. Tell her
that you want to find a time that won't interfere with family
plans. If you approach her in a spirit of cooperation, she'll
be more receptive.
- If she responds defensively
and/or critically, don't take the bait. Respond with questions
that will help clarify why she's so resistant. Practice
the art of active listening, which is to repeat back what
you hear her saying. For example, she says: "All you ever
think about is yourself. You never think about me or the
family." An active listening response would be: "What I
hear you saying is that you believe that I never think about
you or the kids. Is that right?" More often then not her
response to that statement would be: "Well, I didn't mean
all the time. Just sometimes I feel neglected by you." If
it goes that way, the game would end and a real relationship
might begin.
Good luck,
Dr. Michael Tobin
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