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The Wrong Way
Dear Chloe,
After all I have done for you, I hardly expected that
you would be so inconsiderate and ungrateful. I cannot
imagine that you would say the things that you said
to me. I have done everything I could for you and
it is clear that you don't appreciate anything.
You have hurt me more than you
know.
You make me wonder if you ever
think of anyone but yourself. You just might try thinking
about someone else for a change. You are so selfish.
So don't bother helping me. I will just do it myself.
That way I know it will get done.
You always say that you are just
being honest but I know that you are just trying to
drive me crazy. And let me tell you, you are doing
a very good job of it. If it weren't for you, I would
be a happy person. But no, I cannot be happy because
whenever I try to feel good about myself, you end
up saying something that makes me feel bad.
You need to learn how to be considerate
although I doubt that this will ever happen because
this is the way you have always been. I have suffered
deeply as a result of your remarks. How could you
not know? It is only that you don't care.
I hope you are ashamed of yourself
for making me feel so bad all the time.
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The Write Way
Dear Chloe,
When things get so heated between us, it is sometimes
hard to reach a place of understanding.
So I thought I would try to put
down some of my thoughts and feelings in a letter.
Last night when I asked you to
give me a hand, you really seemed angry with me. You
said some things to me that were pretty extreme. For
instance, you called me a bitch and said that the
reason I care about the house cleaning is because
I don't have a life.
I felt hurt when you said that
because I thought you were saying you don't respect
me or the standards I have maintained in our home.
Juggling all the demands of a
busy life is constantly challenging. Now that you
are busier with activities at school, you feel less
willing or able to participate in our home responsibilities.
But when chaos rules in our home, everything else
will be chaotic as well. That is the reason for my
insisting on certain baselines being maintained.
Each of us must play a part in
that.
I am not saying that you and
I have to agree on what gets done around here or on
how much of that is your share. There are times that
we will differ. I am open to negotiation depending
on the other pressures in your life.
But no negotiating can go on
when our tempers rise and we turn a disagreement about
what gets done into a personal attack.
I would like to talk this all
through with you but it is necessary to have a basic
ground rule before we can do that and it is that we
stick to talking about the rules and about our feelings.
I will not be willing to work through these issues
at hand if you will not respect this ground rule.
If I said anything that hurt
you, I hope you will forgive me. And I hope we can
give this a fresh start so that we can find a plan
that works for both of us.
Love,Mom
Sample letters written by Ms. Patricia
Lawrence Pomposello,
CSW and psychotherapist.
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