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Dear Eve,
I want to write to you about what happened
yesterday. You know I think you are one terrific person (I
see you rolling your eyes already!) - smart, sensitive, deep,
fun. Yesterday, when I was sick, I accused you of not being
empathic. You said, "Yeah. I'm a terrible person."
I think this is a cop out. It's your
way of shutting off anything you don't want to hear. On the
one hand, I believe that "criticism is the poison between
the generations." On the other hand, I feel it's my responsibility
as a parent to help you develop into the best person you can
be. I know I was inappropriately critical yesterday and you
got appropriately defensive. I'm sorry I didn't say it right.
It's hard for me to react any other way when I feel I'm at
the receiving end of what appears to me to be a lack of expression
of caring or concern on your part when I'm feeling so bad.
I know it's hard to see a parent be
sick or under-functioning in some way, especially at this
time in your life, when you're being thrown for a loop by
our vulnerabilities anyway.
They say we all have everything within
us: the selfish and the giving, the scornful and the supportive,
the self-centered and the open heart - in short, the good
and the bad. I believe that one of the reasons we are here
is to work hard to develop the good and keep the bad at bay,
while not denying it. In fact, its very existence, helps us
to empathize with all kinds of people.
I value and appreciate the fact that
you did the dishes, took out the dog, did the grocery shopping
and put away the laundry - all without complain. That meant
a lot to me. But it would have made me feel so good if you
had said, "How are you feeling?" or "Can I
get you anything?" And if you would not have pouted when
you asked me to do something for you and I didn't have the
energy to do it. I felt that your very asking showed that
you didn't want to take in the state I was in - barely able
to put one foot in front of the other and still trying to
make you lunch.
I love you Eve and I'm not sure what
to do about this issue. I wanted to let you know how I felt.
Love,
Mom
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