Dear Visitor,
Let me begin by saying the obvious:
Communication is the heart of a successful relationship. Your
words, spoken or written, soul to soul, are what foster change
and growth in your partner or your loved one. Your openness
to the words of your spouse, parent or child is what deepens
your connection with him or her and with yourself.
Letter writing has traditionally been
one of the most effective means of sharing feelings with a
lover, friend or family member. While writing a letter, we
should picture the impact our words will have on our partner.
We should pause and ask ourselves if the sentences on the
page are communicating the message that we wish to deliver.
Am I expressing my deepest feelings of love and gratitude?
Have I given my partner clear examples that illustrate how
much I appreciate her? Does the letter clearly state what
I'm upset about without blaming or accusing and does it suggest
ways to work things out? Do I state the problem with my partner
in a way that he will understand? When reading it, will he
feel encouraged to join me in seeking solutions?
As you sit down to write your
letter, ask yourself these and other clarifying questions.
Read your letter a number of times, checking to be sure that
the words on the paper or screen tell the real story that
you wish to tell. Imagine your partner reading the letter
and picture her reaction. Try to avoid inflammatory language
or direct or indirect put-downs. Let the poet in you express
the same feelings of love that your tongue might trip over.
In other words, a bit of sincere corn, or schmaltz, if you're
from New York City, can go a long way toward making a relationship
grow.
A sincerely written letter can
heal a relationship. It opens the door to a deeper connection;
it's a safe way for your inner voice to communicate. For your
partner, friend or family member, it's an opportunity to reflect
on your message rather than react precipitously. As he repeatedly
reads your letter - and he will - he may allow himself to
hear you through his hurt and resentment.
I leave you with the following suggestions:
-
Before
you write, think about what you want to communicate. In
other words write so that you achieve the outcome that
will make you both happy.
-
Try to avoid writing accusatory
"you" statements. Instead, talk about how you
feel.
-
Use concrete examples that illustrate
your feelings.
- When attempting to work through
a relationship challenge, offer win/win solutions.
- As you write, picture your
partner reading your letter. If you imagine him reacting
negatively, then try to use language that will elicit a
positive response.
- In the case of a letter of
apology or a letter that expresses hurt or resentment, give
your partner some time to reflect on your words. After a
few days, talk to her about what you wrote. Start by asking
her how she feels about the letter.
- In the case of a love letter,
follow it with a gift or a date or use your imagination.
In the case of a healing letter to a parent, child, relative
or friend, the gesture of a gift - however modest - is always
appreciated.
Good luck with your letter. It
is my sincere hope that it helps to bring you and your loved
one closer together.
Regards,
Dr.
Michael Tobin
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