The Austin-Kutchinskys

Joseph's Monologue

stepparenting

Joseph Kutchinsky

41, Widowed 3 years ago from Maria nee Ferrioni.
Profession: Physician, medical emergency specialist

I thought that working in the emergency room had prepared me for just about any situation. Boy, was I wrong. When Maria died, I fell apart. She was everything to me. I remember the first time we met at a fraternity dance. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I just stared at her, transfixed. She smiled and walked right up to me and asked me to dance. If she had asked me to buy the Brooklyn Bridge, I would have given her everything I owned. From that day, until the moment she died seventeen years later, I never stopped loving her. She was my closest friend. I was happy just sitting next to her watching TV. These past three years have been hell. Even now I am unable to describe the kind of pain I felt when my father-in-law called me at the hospital to tell me that he had horrible news: Maria had died in an automobile accident. Maria’s death killed something in me. If the kids hadn’t needed me so much, I would have chucked it all and found some island to hang out on. You can’t do that with three kids. I was all they had left.

Maria was the nurturer, not me. She always knew what to say to make the kids feel good about themselves. I’ve tried to be there for them, but I’m not her. Her death ripped Joe Jr. apart. It’s like he closed up inside of himself and he won’t let anyone in. He’s got an angry shield around him that pushes everyone away. I’m worried about him.

I never believed I’d get married again. I feel close to Pamela but I don’t know if I love her. Maybe, I won’t let myself feel love. It’s like I’m being disloyal to Maria. I do want to be fair to Pamela. She’s a lovely, kind woman and we seem to have a lot in common. I think for both of us it was time to move forward. We’re not kids. We knew it was going to be a big challenge to make a relationship and a family work at the same time.

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