LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Handling an Explosive Boyfriend

I have a problem with my boyfriend. I care about him a lot, and we've been going together for 4 months. He's a senior, I'm a junior. We have our good times, but lately all we've been doing is fighting. And mostly it's about stupid things. He'll get mad at himself for not doing something right and he'll start screaming madly about how stupid he is, and how he can't do anything right. I tell him to stop talking like that and that it's not true, it was just a mistake, and we all make mistakes. But he ignores me and yells more. Sometimes he get violent, not with me, but towards things and throws things. And if I get upset because of his yelling, he gets more mad at himself for making me upset and threatens that he's going to go kill himself because he can't do anything right. He's got terribly low self-esteem, but it only seems to come up when we fight. I just don't know how to deal with it when he does get mad. Another problem we have is that if I want to go hang out with my girlfriends, or just spend some time to myself to reflect on things, he takes it personally and yells that I'm don't want to be with him and that I'm trying to push him away. I try to explain to him that that's not true, but he never listens. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Please help!!!

First of all, I want to congratulate you for writing. Just the fact that you've written tells me that you are aware that you are in a problematic relationship.

You describe your boyfriend as a person who often reacts to insignificant events with extreme anger.

When I was in high school, I also had a boyfriend who reacted in an extreme way. He used to cry and beat his head against the wall if I disappointed him. He also threatened that if I broke up with him, he would kill himself. These actions seemed like love to me. I stayed with him. Guess what? He ended up breaking up with me.

I loved my boyfriend's sense of humor, his creativity and, yes, his excessive emotions-love as well as anger.

But there is a price for being involved with such a volatile person.

Do you want to pay it?

You say that you really care about your boyfriend. But caring is not the same as "taking care of." If you are tiptoeing around his "emotional outbursts," then you are "taking care of him."

You worry about his low self- esteem. It's not his self-esteem that concerns me. I'm worried about you.

My boyfriend got into drugs and never graduated college. Last I heard he was cleaning houses.

If I had stayed with him, I'm sure I would now be a divorced single mom.

I'm not going to tell you to dump this guy. But I do want you to ask yourself a question: Why do you stay with someone who screams at you, throws things, and threatens to kill himself?

You sound like a good friend and a kind person. Do you want to be with someone who treats you without kindness?

I think you know the answer to that… I hope so.

Your challenge now is that if you do decide to end the relationship, your boyfriend may behave in a way that makes you uncomfortable, or that scares you - sounds like his style to do something drastic. I suggest that you get some support before you take this step - let a counselor or parent know what's going on. You may need their help!

Also see: Crisis Center

Good Luck!!

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