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Justin and his mom just had a
non-conversation. Reading the drama reminded me of two people
talking at each other rather than talking with each other.
If I were Justin, I would definitely
feel attacked and immediately go on the defensive, which is
just what Justin does. We can certainly understand that Mom
is disappointed in his school achievement and wishes that
he would apply himself more. But how can she get this message
across to Justin without causing him to crawl into his armor
to protect himself from the attack?
Another question that needs to
be addressed is, how much control do parents have over their
children? Mom would like to think that she can control Justin
and force him to study, but can she?
It's important for Justin's mom
to let him know that she has heard him, and while she may
not agree at all, she understands his point of view. At least
that way Justin will feel that he has been heard, and is not
talking to the wall.
If Mom had said something like,
"I hear you Justin, and I understand that studying is
not high on your priorities. On the other hand, for your father
and myself it is important. How can we bridge this difference?"
What might come out of this is that neither Justin nor his
mother will feel completely victorious, but neither of them
will feel that they have complete lost. There is an opportunity
for real communication and dialogue, without resorting to
threats and punishments.
If Mom has not made any headway
with this approach, and she has decided that she is the one
holding the cards, she needs to find restrictions or punishments
that Justin will care about. However, she should remember
that punishments often boomerang, and while Justin may comply
in the short run, in the long run she runs the risk of ruining
her relationship with him.
Another thought is offering incentives
to Justin for studying and improving his marks. The incentives
have to be things that he cares about, and is willing to work
for. Some parents find this option unattractive, as they would
prefer that their children find satisfaction in studying and
achievement.
The reality is that Justin is
not unusual at all in his behavior. Many high-school students
behave this way. While this behavior may be new for Justin
and his parents, it may be an indication that he is trying
to pull away a bit from his parents, and experience some independence.
His parents value education and
achievement. He is trying out his wings to see how different
values feel. If his mom will calm down a bit, there is a good
chance that he will end up not too far from where he started.
If she constantly batters and attacks him, he may adopt values
that are far different from hers, and that she does not approve
of.
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