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Dear Disappointed Grandparents,
People have fundamental assumptions that to develop a relationship
you need to talk. This isn't a useful assumption. It leads to
grandparents "interviewing" grandchildren, even when they see
that the grandchildren don't respond well.
There
are other ways of relating that are significant. If one thinks
about a special relationship with a young child, it isn't based
on verbal interchange, but on being together, and having fun together,
or just doing things side by side.
There
is value in just being present while the child does other things,
playing with the grandchild, or helping grandchildren do things
that are suitable to their age. The expectation of sharing information,
of having the grandchild tell you things, may put pressure on
the grandparent, which in turn puts pressure on the grandchild,
and prevents a relaxed and pleasant interchange.
Activities
With Younger Children
If
possible, you want to spend time with each child in a way that's
pleasant to them, and it has to be pleasant for you. If it isn't
pleasant for you, it won't work. You won't be able to maintain
it. For example, you can play with blocks with the three-year-old
and even knock down the blocks afterwards, or do easy puzzles
together. Paddy-cake, paddy-cake is something small children like,
and it also involves clapping and a physical connection.
Another activity that both grandchildren and grandparents enjoy
is reading stories together. Children also enjoy having the grandparent
create a story. It can be based on the child's life. The same
character appears in story after story, and certain elements repeat
themselves. It can be about a birthday party, a trip, or a fun
time.
Activities With Older Children
As
far as older children are concerned, you can find things to do
that are of interest to all of you. Sports, going to a basketball
game, watching a baseball game on TV together is a pleasure for
most. The pre-teen and the teen-age grandchild is a particular
challenge, because children of this age are usually focused on
their peer group. They have little interest in spending time with
adults. One suggestion might be that instead of bringing a gift
for a birthday, go together to select a present. Your grandchild
can invite a friend. You can also take the grandchild out to eat.
These are the building blocks of a relationship.
By
spending time with your grandchildren in whatever way you choose,
you have the opportunity to transmit values, indirectly as well
as directly. Your behavior serves as a model, your home radiates
a certain atmosphere, the way you relate to all the people with
whom you come in contact, ranging from members of the family to
the waitress in the restaurant, guides your grandchildren toward
acceptable behavior.
Relationships go through stages and if things aren't satisfying
at any particular time, it's worthwhile realizing that each stage
is part of a long-term relationship, and it will change and develop
little by little.
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