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A
Dear Recently Widowed,
Your
description of how you feel sounds very familiar. Almost anyone
who has had a good marriage and looses a spouse has this feeling
of despondency, "what's the use of going on", the emptiness that
you write about so vividly. In fact, on the scale of life crises,
experts like Helen Rhyr have found that loss of a husband or wife
is, by far, rated the most difficult to handle, even above the
loss of a child, a job or undergoing serious medical intervention.
What can you do about it? First of all recognize your sorrow for
what it is -- a natural reaction to a very traumatic and heart
wrenching change in your life. Feeling miserable doesn't mean
that you're going mad or that you need a psychiatrist. I'm not
even sure that anti-depressants should be prescribed. I do believe
that loving friends and family can ease the burden somewhat, if
they're tactful, understanding and give you room to grieve.
People
who aren't allowed to "do their grief work" properly, to be moody,
down in the dumps without any motivation; who are told by well
meaning contacts to take themselves in hand, to jump into some
activity or even make drastic changes in their life style like
moving to a retirement home or even remarrying, are doing a great
disservice to the mourner. In fact, if the grieving is repressed
(maybe because it's hard for the onlookers to take it) then it
takes much longer to emerge from this psychological state. At
times, this very powerful emotion is redirected into unnatural
channels--hypochondria, pathological mourning, etc.
All
this doesn't mean that we're recommending that you sit in a dark
corner and just mope. Obviously if you wrote to us you're concerned
as well. Try to return to your usual mode of life, even if it
feels useless and artificial at first. Reading to the blind, although
it may seem artificial to you in your state of mind, may eventually
help you think of others rather than yourself and will start the
healing process. Also finding a way to memorialize the departed
will direct you to some practical way of commemorating his name
and give you a focus for your feelings. Some people are busy with
the gravestone-setting ceremony; others publish pamphlets or produce
tapes about their loved one. Still others continue an occupation
or undertaking in which their spouse was engaged (almost like
wearing his/her sweater).
Above all give yourself time. Widowhood is a difficult mantle
to wear, and the really painful, grinding mourning takes about
a year. It's still there after l2 months, like a nagging, throbbing
toothache, but gradually the pain becomes less intense -- something
that fresh widows are unable to even conceive. There are some
very good books on the subject, incidentally, and just talking
to others who have been through the same experience may be helpful
to you. In most communities there are even support groups for
widows and/or widowers, which you could probably find out about
through the local social services. For some, of course, group
attendance and "hanging it all out" in public is not their cup
of tea and is not a desirable option. Even though it's hard to
believe right now, "tomorrow will be better" and you will discover
you are a better and more mature, even caring person because of
your loss than you were before.
Good
luck!
Leah
Abromowitz
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