|
A:
I'm sorry that you had to over-hear
those hurtful things from the boys. You know what? It is soooo
highly unlikely that a guy would go out with someone just
to be "charitable". I bet that your ex-boyfriend
was feeling bad about the break-up, or was feeling mad at
you about something and said it out of anger or pain. I'm
sure that's not the real reason he went out with you!
Like I tell everyone who asks
for advice about losing weight, consult your doctor, because
they know how to help you lose weight in a healthy way, how
much you need to lose for your size, what diet would be best
for you, and what exercises would be best or harmful for you,
if there are any.
Don't lose the weight because
you think that it will make people like you better. Lose it
only if you think it will make you happier with yourself.
You'll always be the same person
deep down inside no matter what. You can overcome the issue
of your weight by being out-going and not letting it stop
you from doing the things you enjoy.
If other people see that it doesn't
bother you, then why should they worry about it either, right?
It can be hard to make yourself go out and do things when
you are feeling bad about yourself, but if you push yourself
the first few times it will get easier, and you can start
enjoying yourself again.
Remember, you are not your weight.
You are this bright person, with a vivid, friendly personality.
Who can resist that?
See Food
and Fitness
Experts
-Erin-
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DEPRESSION
AND SUICIDE
Suicide - Is It Normal
to Think About?
Q: Hi, I am
15. I have thought about killing myself though I don't think
I would ever do it, however just thinking about it makes me
kind of nervous and scared. Is it normal to think these thoughts?
I know where its coming from and that is because I have Chronic
Fatigue Syndrome. My parents are on the brink of divorce and
other things. I don't feel comfortable talking to my parents
and I hate talking to counselors. I do have a friend I could
talk to but we are not on good terms right now plus she might
tell someone out of concern. I am really confused because
some advice pages say its normal and some do not. Please help
me. I don't know what to do.
A: I'm
very glad that you wrote to us instead of keeping all of this
inside yourself. This would be a very stressful time for anyone
in your situation. Your thoughts are very common especially
for people our age. I think that anyone who is facing so much
stress has these passing thoughts. It seems to be an easy
way out at the moment, but let me tell you, it's not!
A friend of mine committed suicide
when we were 12. He thought that no one liked him and that
he was all alone. He felt he just couldn't go on with his
pain and loneliness.
You know what? Most teens feel
that way a lot of the time for a number of reasons, but it
eventually passes. The loneliness that my friend felt was
only a small percent of the loneliness and pain he inflicted
on his family and friends by killing himself.
His mom, little brother - no
one could understand. They will never get over this and it's
made their lives that much more difficult to live.
I know you said that you don't
like to talk to counselors, but there are some very good ones
out there that can help. I'd suggest looking around for a
good one by asking your school counselors or family doctor
to recommend a counselor. Ask a family friend if they know
of one.
You don't have to go back if
you don't like them, but it's always worth the try. The main
thing is, don't keep these feelings to yourself. Tell someone
whenever you are feeling like this. Just someone to listen
to what's going on in your life, inside your head at the moment.
It really does help.
If you have no one that you can
trust you can call a help-line that is confidential.
(See Crisis
Center / Suicide and Depression.)
Also, I would definitely recommend
that you tell your doctor you are having a rough time (you
don't have to go into details if you don't feel comfortable)
and see if there is any extra help he can give you. Maybe
you need a new medicine for your Chronic Fatigue. Whatever
it is that is going on, there is possibly something your doctor
can do to help.
Experts
Good Luck!
-Erin-
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
Brother Trouble!
Q: My brother
is constantly getting in trouble and everybody is always screaming
at one another and I can't stand it. My brother is always
hitting me and telling me I'm fat and stupid. I don't know
what to do. Please help.
A: It
can be hard living in an environment where it seems like everyone
is always yelling and screaming. Especially when you are getting
insults hurdled at you! First you have to realize that brothers
will be brothers, and they can often take the anger of the
day out on you.
Siblings are an easy target for
stored up anger, and it can seem like you do one little thing,
or even nothing at all, and suddenly get blown up at. Don't
take his insults to heart.
Sometime when he's not in a
bad mood, tell him that it bothers you and really hurts your
feelings when he does things like that and calls you names.
Ask him if he could just try to be a little more considerate
of your feelings, and that if he needs to talk about something
you will be right there to listen, and you'd like to help
him if you can. Maybe once you two can get past the screaming,
you can actually talk and figure out why he is getting in
so much trouble, and what's going on in his life that makes
him so angry.
But he might not be willing to
accept any help at the moment, or to show that he cares about
anything, so you'll just have to take it in stride and be
there for him in case he does decide to talk to you about
stuff.
Also, you may want to talk to
your parents - tell them that the atmosphere in the house
is making you nuts. Maybe they don't realize how out of hand
it's gotten. Parents are often so focused on solving one problem
- your brother's behavior in this case - that they don't realize
that they have created another one. It always helps to talk
about these things - at a time when everything is calm.
If it ever gets to the point
where all the screaming going on in your household is making
you feel like you are losing your grip, and you can't take
it, there are lots of things you can do. Take a walk. Go in
your room and turn your music up to where you can't here their
arguing. Go to the library and get your homework done. Go
to a friends house. Call up a friend and tell her that you
just can't take it at your house right now and ask if you
can come over for a couple hours.
Know that you are a good person,
and that others in your house are going through a rough time
right now, and probably aren't thinking how their words affect
you.
I hope that you ALL can find
some peace - and quiet!
See Relationships
- Parents & Family and Crisis
Center / Abuse
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
Going Through My Parents'
Divorce
Q: I was and still
am going through a hard time since my parents' divorce five years
ago. I can only talk about it to my parents when the subject comes
up since it's embarrassing for me to talk about. My friends don't
have to go thru this and they don't understand. I told my dad
I needed a counselor and he didn't get me one. I can't bring it
up now or I'll cause a blow-up between all of us. What should
I do?
A: I' I'm
sorry that things are tough for you right now. This is a painful
thing to go through. It's nothing to be embarrassed about though.
It is in no way your fault. You don't have to talk about it to
your friends if you don't want to, but they may be more of a help
than you think. Have any of your friends had to go through a divorce?
Try and open up to them when you feel ready.
I think that you should bring up
going to the counselor again. It seems like your dad did not take
you seriously when you asked, but you should get it across that
you would like to speak to a counselor. Would you feel better
about asking your mom to help you find a counselor, then asking
your dad again? If you are afraid they will get angry, try writing
one or both of them a letter, explaining that this is really hard
on you, and you need to speak with a counselor.
I don't see why they would get angry
because you ask to see a counselor. Sometimes people seem to get
angry over things that aren't really bothering them when they
are stressed out. For instance, maybe your dad was having a really
bad day, and when you asked him for something he blew up at you,
not really intending too. It's not your fault. You have the right
to speak with a counselor and to get some help dealing with what
is going on.
Could you talk to someone else in
your family? Maybe a grandparent, Aunt, or Uncle? I hope that
they listen, and find you the help that you need. If not, I would
suggest calling a hotline for more advice. Maybe they can help
you to find some help in your area, if your parent's don't.
(See Crisis
Center - Divorce.)
It's sometimes hard for parents to
realize that divorce is hard on the kids as well. Divorce is hard
on the whole family, and it's helpful to get an outside perspective
from a professional. I hope things settle down for you soon.
-Erin-
[Back
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
I'm Not Good Enough For
My Parents
Q: I am responsible
and I think my parents know that already. I am 15 and I already
do the dishes, laundry, I vacuum, dust, get excellent grades,
I baby-sit my sister constantly, and I also do not do drugs
or drink alcohol. I guess you could say I am "perfect,"
but aside from all of this, my parents will not let me go
out on a date with a guy. They will not let me go out with
my friends either! I just want to go out once or twice a week,
but no! I have to baby-sit my sister all the time. She follows
me and my parents don't do anything about it. She is also
afraid to be home alone (supposedly.) And one more thing,
my sister made a long distance call that cost about $35 and
I had to pay for it! What is up with that? Why should I have
to pay for it? PLEASE HELP!
A: I'm
sorry that life is so unfair for you right now. Your parents
are, most likely, only doing what they think is best for you.
They probably want to protect you from everything, but talk
to them (calmly) and tell them that if they don't let you
start doing things on your own and earning trust that you
aren't going to learn how to handle things on your own, which
you will have to eventually anyway. They should be preparing
you for the real world, not hiding you from it.
It really sounds like you're
a very dependable person! Your parents might be taking advantage
of that. Your sister is their child, not yours. They shouldn't
leave you to watch her all the time. Explain to them that
you don't mind watching her every so often, but you need to
have a life, too.
Ask your parents what more you
have to do to earn their trust. If they won't allow you to
go out with your friends, ask if you can invite one or two
friends over to watch a movie or something so that your parents
can meet and get to know them.
I really don't understand why
you had to pay your sister's phone bill. Did they think you
had made the $35 call?
Maybe it would help if you outlined
all of this in a letter to your parents. That way, you won't
say anything you regret, and they can digest it before reacting.
I hope that my suggestions help.
See Relationships
- Parents & Family
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
I Want More Freedom!
Q: I am 13
years old and I was wondering what I could do about having
more freedom in my home. When I ask my mom about this, she
says the parent is always suppose to win fights. So what do
I do? I would like more freedoms and also to have a better
relationship with my mom and step dad.
A: A
good way to start off is by doing as much around the house
to help your mom and step-dad out as you can. Many parents
(including mine) feel overwhelmed and feel like their kids
aren't doing much of anything around the house to help out.
So, for instance, if you see the dishes need putting away
don't wait for someone to tell you or ask you to do it, just
do it. Sometimes when parents see that you are taking on more
responsibilities they'll be more likely to trust you.
And maybe if your mom doesn't
have so much to do, she'll have a little more time to relax
and be in a better mood for you to talk to her.
Tell her that you'd like a better
relationship with her and your step-dad, and you'd like to
know what you need to do to gain more of her trust and freedom.
I hope that this helps.
See Relationships
- Parents & Family
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
Listening to My Side
Q: How do you
get your mother to listen to your side of the story? We often
argue about issues that she thinks are not worth fighting
about. I feel that I need to get my point across, but she
won't listen if she does not feel that the matters are worthy
of a discussion. Any ideas?
A: When
you have differing viewpoints with someone close to you on
an issue that concerns you, it's very important to at least
feel that you've been heard, and that your points have been
considered. Generally speaking, when people are faced with
the decision between accepting a new idea or fighting to hold
on to their old beliefs, most people choose the latter. I
think that can be a defense mechanism for a lot of people
without them even realizing it.
Your mom may feel very strongly
that she is right on these issues, and that any debate about
them is just silly.
The best way to get her to listen
to all that you have to say without interrupting you is to
write it all down in a letter and give it to her. You could
start it by writing something like "Mom, something has
been on my mind and I'd really like to try discussing it with
you again. I wanted to approach it with you in a letter because
I didn't want it to come across as a confrontation."
You could go on to explain that
it's important for you to feel like you've at least been heard.
If you wonder why she is so quick to dismiss the issue, or
feels so strongly about it, ask her. Hopefully, this will
help her to see your viewpoint more objectively, and avoid
a confrontation.
Good Luck.
See Relationships
- Parents & Family
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
My Folks Treat Me Like
I'm 5
Q: My parents
treat me like I'm 5 years old and I'm 15. And my gets all
the attention now and everybody thinks he's all mighty. They
treat him like a saint and me like a germ or something. I
just got yelled at because my brother and his best friend
were yelling at me and calling me a brat and all. My mom came
in and started yelling at me as if I started everything. And
then my step-dad came in and yelled at me, too. My mom always
does this to me and I hate it. It's as if everything that
goes wrong in the house is my fault and then I get yelled
at for it. And whenever my brother and or his friends do something
to me and I tell my mom (I'm not a tattle-tale) she tells
me to shut up or go away. It's like she doesn't care if they
hurt me.
A: I
was going to suggest that you get them all together, like
at dinner or something, since it involves the whole family,
but then I realized that might not be such a good idea, since
it would be easy for one of them to dismiss your concerns
(as they've been doing it seems) and then for the rest of
the family to just follow along with that.
So, I suggest that you talk
to them individually. For instance, when your mom or step-dad
are doing something alone around the house, such as laundry
or dishes, and they are in a relatively good mood, start helping
them and say, "Mom (or your step-dad), something's been
bothering me, and I'd really like to discuss it with you,
and I want you to take me seriously." If you start by
talking to your mom, tell her that you are going to discuss
it with your step-dad as well, or vice-versa.
But it sounds like your family
could definitely benefit from some intervention from a family
counselor - sometimes families get into ruts and they need
help to reframe things, and to make families realize the roles
they've been playing.
See if your parents are up for
it. If not, why not seek out some counseling for yourself?
Maybe a counselor could give you some good suggestions on
how to deal with this...
I hope my suggestions have helped.
See Relationships
- Parents & Family
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Csontents]
FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
My Mom Loves My Brother
More
Q: What can
I do about my mother? She loves my little brother more than
me. She buys him stuff and not me. What should I do?
A: What
a sad thing to be feeling! It can feel awful when it seems
that a parent favors one of you over the other, or one sibling
seems to get special treatment. Usually, parents do not do
this intentionally. Most parents have equal love for their
children, but sometimes it gets shown in different ways.
You need to tell your mom that
you've been feeling left-out, and loved less than your brother.
She may at first say that you are being silly, or that no
such thing is happening (because she may truly not have noticed
that she is treating you differently), but tell her your feelings
are real, and you've been hurting, and point out specifics
if you can as to when you felt "proof" of this awful
feeling.
I hope that she can understand
your feelings, and that things get worked out for you soon.
Don't let these feelings build up inside of you.
See Relationships
- Parents & Family
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
toTable of Contents]
FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
Pained After Parent's
Divorce
Q: Hello. I
know my parents have only been divorced for 4 months, but
I am still hurt over it. At first I was like "sure, this
won't bother me, I won't let it", but lately, it has.
And in fact, only about 5 to 6 of my friends know about it
so far. And see, my mom's been dating this guy, and I dislike
him an awful lot, because I guess I just don't like his lifestyle.
He dresses like a hick, wears cowboy boots, and doesn't have
a very good job. And see, I live in like the "rich"
part of my city (even though we really aren't that rich) and
so, it's embarrassing to have friends whose parents are perfect,
and drive a Lexus, and then to look at your own family and
go, "gosh, why couldn't I be more like them." I
know it might sound like I am a rich snob or something, but
I am nothing of the sort! I just don't want to have my mom
get married again, especially to this guy. My story could
keep on going on forever, but I just felt like talking about
this, because it has really been bothering me, thanks for
listening.
A: It
sounds like there are a lot of changes going on in your life
right now. Sadly, divorce has become a pretty common thing,
but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It's understandable
that you'd have bitter feelings towards this new guy your
mom is dating. It's only been a couple months since the divorce,
which you are probably not used to yet, let alone having to
get used to another guy dating your mom! It can seem very
awkward.
Even if this guy were a wonderful
guy, you would probably still have a hard time adjusting to
him right now. It wasn't your decision to have your parents
split, and you may be thinking "Why should I have to
adjust to anything?" and that can make you feel angry,
bitter, or just plain confused.
Whatever you are feeling is alright.
Your feelings are real, and you need an outlet for them. Have
you thought about or talked with your mom about the two of
you (or if you have any sisters or brothers) going to a counselor?
It could help you understand and let out a lot of these emotions
welling up inside of you. It could probably help your mom
to understand you better, too. If she doesn't want family
counseling, maybe seeing a counselor by yourself could help
just as much.
Your friends could be more support
than you realize right now. Is it something you are not ready
to talk about and that's why you haven't told a lot of your
friends? Or do you feel that they won't understand? I really
encourage you to talk to a couple of your friends about what
you are going through. Have any of your friend's parents gotten
divorced? Even if they have not been through what you are
going through, just having someone listen to you can really
ease your burden of keeping this all inside.
In the meantime, why don't you
write down how you are feeling in a journal. Even if you aren't
sure what you are feeling or what to say, just write down
the thoughts you are having. It can really help you to sort
things out when you write, or when you go back later to read
over what you've written.
It can look like others have
it so much better than you, especially when you are having
to endure something like this. But, never underestimate what
people have to walk through in their own shoes. People don't
always speak up about the hardships they are having, and when
you are looking from the outside in, it can look perfect.
But looks are deceiving, and you never know - others might
be envying you and your "easy" life. Maybe some
of the very people you are envying yourself! Life deals out
some hard knocks to everyone, and it takes time and patience
to overcome. Faith and hope help a great deal as well, so
if there is anyone you find encouraging or wise, go to them.
There's help out there, but it's
up to us to find it. A lot of people are willing to help wherever
they can, and will feel honored by the asking. Teachers, people
at a Church or Temple, other kids, people at a local youth
center.... there's people all over the place waiting to listen
and help.
I wish you much strength and
courage (but it seems like you already have that.)
See Crisis
Center / Divorce
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
My Parents Won't Let Me Date
Q: I'm 14, and
my parents won't let me date. I know that doesn't sound that unreasonable,
but right now I have a boyfriend that is almost 16, and he can
obviously date. I love him very much, and I trust him, its not
like he's going to pressure me into anything I don't want to do.
He's been my friend for a long time and now we're finally together,
but my parents hate him. They've never even met him, and they
won't make an effort to. They just don't like him because he's
15. I think that's unfair, and I can't see my boyfriend, even
if there are 10 other people there. They won't let me and a bunch
of friends go to one of his soccer games, and I can't go to his
church, simply because he's there. PLEASE help!! My parents just
don't understand!
A: If you
are interested in someone, feeling ready to date, but your parents
won't let you, I have a few tips to try.
First, ask them what their fears
are about you dating. Try to address their concerns and show them
that you are mature and responsible enough to handle situations
that may arise. Maybe they have some fears about situations you
haven't even thought of, so talking with them about it can maybe
help you both look at the situation more clearly, and help you
determine your own boundaries before being faced with having to
make quick decisions.
How do you show your parents that
you are mature? Well, for one, do not sneak around behind their
back. If they tell you not to go out with a boy alone for instance,
and then they catch you doing it, that is only going to intensify
their fears and worries that they can not trust you, and make
it even harder for you to get them to ease up on this dating thing.
Talk with them about how important it is to you, tell them some
of the things you like about the person, and ask them to at least
meet the person. Start with asking if you can invite him or her
over for a family dinner, or to watch a movie at your house while
your parents are home. Okay, I know this might not be exactly
what you are thinking about as a cool date, but it could be a
good start. Maybe your parent's will see what a nice person he
is or at least see how much you like him, or how much fun you
have with him.
A second step would be to ask if
you can go out on "group dates", where there are a couple
of your friends with you, and it isn't just you and your date
alone. Like a group of you go to the movies together, or hang
out at the mall, or at one of your friend's houses, or whatever
it is that you all like to do.
If your parent's still aren't going
for it, don't give up, but don't nag about it either. Bring it
up occasionally about how important it is to you, and how you
feel you are ready for it. But definitely try to drop the subject
before it escalates into a fight.
Be creative. Do you play a sport,
or some other extra curricular, like being in a play or something?
If so, have your parents come to your game, play, whatever it
might be, and have the person you like go too. If they are brave,
(and I know not everyone will be comfortable doing this, it's
just a shot) have the person that you like go up and introduce
themselves to your parents, and watch your game/play/recital,
whatever, with them, speaking to them, making conversation. Then
at least your parents will associate a person with this issue
and it might not seem so bad or scary to your parents anymore.
Maybe meeting him will help them to ease up a little bit. Again,
none of this is a guarantee, but I have known this tips to work
before.
Finally, if your parent's just will
not budge on the issue of letting you date now, or sooner, and
want you to drop the subject because it's only causing fights;
it's disappointing but don't let it be the end of the world. It
may make you feel very upset now, but they are almost definitely
doing the best that they can for you, trying to protect and raise
you in the best way they know how. Find other ways to fill your
time. You don't need to date to be happy by any means! Fill your
time with things for you; things that you want to accomplish,
things that make you feel better, things that you enjoy. Learn
to play an instrument. Read more books. Write more poetry. Play
more basketball. Join a school club. None that interest you? Start
a school club. Volunteer. Tutor younger kids or kids in your grade
in a subject you are good at. Spend more time on a subject you
aren't so good at. Spend more time with your friends. Spend more
time with your family. Watch more movies. You get the idea:)
I hope my suggestions help, and good
luck to you:)
-Erin-
[Back
toTable of Contents]
FEELINGS
Conflict Resolution 101
Q: What are
some ways to resolve conflicts without fighting?
A: That's
a really good question, and I'm glad that you asked it! There
are lots of ways to resolve conflict without getting physical.
Obviously, the place to begin is talking it out. When
discussing the issue, it seems that using "I" statements
instead of throwing blame at the other person helps to keep
things cooler. So, for instance, if they let you down in some
way or betrayed your trust, tell them that "I expected
you to keep my trust and I felt hurt and betrayed when it
was broken", instead of saying "You betrayed me
and you let me down." The "You" statement will
put them on the defensive and things are less likely to get
solved if someone's busy trying to defend themselves instead
of finding a solution or compromise.
Don't attack the person, attack the situation. Instead
of name-calling or bringing up past situations that are irrelevant,
focus on the issue at hand. Once name-calling starts going
on, that's only going to push you farther away from a resolution.
Let them know what you expect
now. Do you expect this to never happen again? Do you
expect them to apologize to you? Listen to their expectations
as well.
If you can't seem to talk to each other without arguing and
getting angry, maybe writing a letter, stating your
position and how you are feeling will help at least to ensure
that you were heard. Ask the person to write you back and
explain what they are feeling. Then maybe you'll be able to
talk, once the main issues and points were touched on in the
letter.
If you feel that things were
not resolved between the two of you, or if they get too heated
and you can't solve anything, call in a neutral third party.
Maybe your school has a peer mediation program? Request a
guidance counselor, or teacher that you both trust, to help
you out.
If the conflict is with someone that is not in your school,
say if it's a family member, you could still check with
someone at school to see if they will help, or ask someone
to recommend a counselor that could help you get things sorted
out.
I hope I've been able to help
you. Good luck.
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
FRIENDS
AND PEERS
I Don't Fit In
Q: Hi, my problem
may sound really superficial, but it is making me very unhappy.
I go to a school where everyone is really snobby and rich.
Nobody seems to care about anyone else, and they don't seem
to know a thing about real friendship. I have known these
girls who I thought were my friends, but when it came to dealing
with other things besides gossip, they couldn't deal. One
girl even said it was too much pressure to be friends with
me, cause I actually tried to be true friends with her. At
first I thought it was me, but now I truly realize its not.
I moved here a year ago, from a place where I have 3 of the
best friends who I can count on anytime. It is real rough
for me, cause I feel like I have no friends, unless it is
on a completely superficial level, and I can't trust anybody.
I just am real unhappy. So, I am trying to fit in, but I don't
want to make myself less of a person trying to be like everyone
else. I talk to my mom, but she just gets so defensive for
me when people hurt my feelings, and I don't think she sees
the whole picture.
A: Thanks
for writing! This is not a superficial problem at all. In
fact, a lot of kids are going through this. I'm so glad that
you realize it's not you. Wherever you go in life some people
will like you and some people will not, no matter how hard
you try to please them. Don't waste your time.
I think it's so admirable that
you want to stay true to yourself instead of selling out your
values to be in the "in" crowd. You sound like a
very cool girl. Actually, you know what's interesting? Check
some Celebrity Bio's & find out how many had your same
problem! People who are unusually creative or intelligent
don't seem to fit in quite as easily with these type of kids
(especially in high school).
Some examples that I know of:
Alicia Silverstone was an outcast at her high school, as was
Renee Russo, Will Smith was a "geek", and many more.
Hey, you might even want to take it as a compliment that they
don't like you!
High school is a pretty weird
time for everyone, and good friends are very hard to come
by. You are lucky that you have 3 great ones, even with the
downside that they live far away. If you stay true to yourself
and decide not to be friends with the snobs I bet that you
will find a lot of other kids at your school that feel the
same way.
And if you don't find friends
right away, just give it time. Take some time to yourself,
spend some time with your family, etc..
It sounds like you have an awesome
mom who really cares what happens to you (even if she tends
to be one sided at least it's your side she leans to.)
Things will get better, even
if it seems to take awhile.
See Relationships
- Peers / Friends, Cliques and Popularity
Experts
Good Luck.
-Erin-
[Back
toTable of Contents]
FRIENDS
AND PEERS
Scared of Friend Turned
Goth
Q: Can you
help me? I have a friend, well actually she's not really my
friend that much anymore (my parents told me to stay away
from her.) Anyway, I've known her for 3 years - since 7th
grade. (She was such a sweet person in 7th grade -we're in
10th now). In eighth grade, she seemed to be really depressed
(I think it was depression or so she said ). She would cry
for no reason, or if she got a bad grade on a test she'd cry
and sob for along time right there in class. And she started
eating less and wearing more black (nail polish) and occasionally
dressed in all black. She bangs her head into her bedroom
wall real hard several times when she gets mad at her step-dad
or something. Things seem to be getting worse. She is losing
interest in her grades. She wears black and joined a "religion"
where you have sex with your god and have horny Thursdays!
She tried to get me to join and said "you can keep your
old religion too." I told her that I can't betray my
beliefs. Then she ignored me. One day she turned around to
me and she said "you need to get shot." I said,
"Excuse me?" She started laughing and said she was
kidding. I'm a little scared she might hurt me or someone
or do something. I've told my parents and they think I should
tell the police or something. What should I do? I need some
advice please.
A: It
sounds like this girl is really in need of some help. Her
parents could actually be making it much worse (or even, sadly,
be the root of the problem)
It's been my experience that
people usually start into the 'Goth' phase (wearing all black,
idealizing death or making light of it) to get needed attention.
It sounds like this girl is trying to draw attention that
she needs help, that something is not right. Maybe she doesn't
know what kind of help she needs, or doesn't trust enough
to get help, so she's just acting out her pain.
My advice to you would be to
tell someone that you know she is in need of help. You could
tell your guidance counselor at school that you are concerned
and that you wish to remain anonymous when they speak to her;
that you would like your name totally left out of the matter.
If you don't trust that they will let you remain anonymous,
and you do not want her to know it's you, write a letter of
your concerns, leave it on the office desk or mail it to the
school with no return address
and leave it unsigned.
In addition to that, you could
write an anonymous letter to her parents. Leave out specifics
that only you know about if you don't want her to know that
it was you, and stick to the general reasons you are concerned
(wearing all black, losing interest in grades, speaking of
death, loss of faith in God, etc...) Also tell them that you
think she needs understanding, not more punishment or trouble.
You could have your parents talk
to them or write the letter. If your parents want to say who
they are, then you could ask that they not tell their daughter
who wrote this letter because you are afraid she will be angry
at you and may even hurt you.
This is a tricky situation because
there is not a whole lot you can do, especially when you are
just trying to be a friend the only way you are able now (since
you don't want to really hang out with her and stuff, understandably)
but you are also afraid she will hurt you. Just keep telling
your parents everything that's happening, and I hope that
someone can guide her to the help that she needs.
See Relationships
- Peers / Friends, Cliques and Popularity
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
FRIENDS
AND PEERS
Friendless and Lonely
Q: I have a
slightly big problem. I have no friends. I do have a group
of people I hang around but they're not really my friends
I only hang around them. I've been trying to make a real friend
since kindergarten and now I'm in grade eight and I've had
no success! It makes me depressed sometimes especially when
I never go to the movies or shopping with anyone let alone
parties. I'm really lonely and I don't know what to do. Do
you have any idea of what I should do?
A: I don't
know if this helps at all, but you are not alone in this feeling.
Friends, and especially good ones, are hard to come by. Lots
of people feel lonely or like they don't fit in even when
they have lots of friends and acquaintances. Sometimes you
have to take the initiative and invite people to do things
with you. It can be hard and even scary at first, but most
of the time people can't know what you need until you tell
them. They may even think that you are being stand-offish
and don't want to do anything with them. A lot of people mistake
someone's shyness for being snobby.
Ask some people from the group
you hang around to go to the movies with you. Or ask a couple
of the girls to spend the night and rent movies and stuff.
Or if you don't like the people that you're hanging around
right now, meet some other people in your classes. To start
things off, you could ask someone to help you with an assignment,
or offer your help to someone who is having trouble. Or ask
your teacher if you can work in groups for some of the assignments,
and get to know people that way.
See Relationships
- Peers / Friends, Cliques and Popularity
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
GUY'S
EYE VIEW
Do Guys Care About A Girl's
Height?
Q: Hey Erin,
I'm 13 and I've always been a little shy in approaching people.
There is this guy who I really like a lot in the class next
door to mine. We always make eye contact when the door is
open. The problem is I'm sorta short for my age, like 4'11
probably 5'1'' with my shoes and he's like taller. I feel
uncomfortable because he's much taller than me. Do you think
he will realize it when I'm next to him and not like me anymore,
or do you think he'll like me for my looks and my personality
regardless of my height? Do guys judge by height and does
it change their decision about a girl?
A: I'm
a short girl myself, and I used to be self-conscious about
it, but people will like you for who you are regardless of
height, or hair color, etc... Certain people just have preferences,
and a lot of guys like short girls, they think it's cute and
stuff. I don't think I've ever heard of a guy not liking a
girl just because she was short.
To get to know him better, smile
when you see him and say hi. Ask around and see if you know
anyone that knows him. If you do, see if they will help to
hook you up. If you don't know anyone that knows him, you
could write him a note, just telling him that you've noticed
him in the class next door, and tell him a little about yourself,
ask him to write you back or call you.
This will take some courage,
but what have you got to lose? If you think it's a chance
worth taking, go for it girl!
And I wish you the best of luck.
See Food
and Fitness / Body Image
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
GUYS
EYE VIEW
How Do Guys Feel About
Girls With Eating Disorders?
Q: I'd like
to know a guy's opinion and/or comments on a couple of things.
When you're dating a girl, if she loses of gains weight, how
much of a change would it take for you to notice and or comment
on it? If you found out that your girlfriend was diagnosed
with an eating disorder (like anorexia/bulimia), how would
you feel about it? Would you keep your distance because you
might think she has major problems, or would you stay close
to her and try and help?
A: I asked
a few different guys what they thought of these situations,
and here was the general consensus:
They said that weight doesn't
really matter in a relationship. When they are going out with
someone they hardly ever notice changes in weight unless it's
a major difference.
The guys said that they wouldn't
break up with a girl just because she had an eating disorder,
they would do what they could to be supportive and help.
But if the relationship was causing
the girl more stress, they would put the relationship on hold
to only be there as a good friend, so that the girl could
deal with one thing at a time, and they wouldn't be adding
to her stress. They also said that it mostly depends on the
individual, and the individual relationship.
I hope this has helped you some.
If you do have an eating disorder,
you need to get some help.
See Crisis
Center / Eating Disorders
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
Debating Sex
Q: I've been
seeing this guy for about a month and things have been getting
pretty hot and heavy. We haven't gone all the way yet but
we both want to. The only thing is that technically we're
not going out and I am starting to question whether this would
be such a good idea. One the other hand, we both know a lot
about one another and he doesn't pressure me to do anything
that I don't feel comfortable doing. And furthermore we both
plan on using protection.
A: It's
great that you are planning to use protection, but are you
sure you are ready for this? It sounds like you are still
pretty iffy on whether or not you want to and I suggest that
you take more time to look within yourself for the answers.
It's important that he's not pressuring you and that you feel
comfortable expressing your concerns and worries with him.
If it's bothering you the slightest bit that you aren't officially
going out, tell him that.
There are lots of other ways
to express affection, love, and attraction without having
sex. Why do you feel that you have to take it farther now?
Actually a month is pretty soon. How would you feel if you
had sex with him, and then next month you weren't together
anymore...would you regret that you did it? Would it make
you want to hold onto the relationship even if things started
going bad? It's happened to a lot of girls that they'll have
sex with a guy and then later find out he's not all that they
thought he was, but they don't want to end the relationship
because they've had sex with him, and wind up being in a perpetually
bad relationship.
I would suggest that you know
for sure what you are getting into, and look at all sides
of it, all outcomes and whether or not you'll be able to handle
them, or want to deal with them. If you are going to make
the commitment of having sex, don't you think you deserve
at least the commitment that he's not going to see anyone
else (i.e. The commitment of officially going out?) If you
already think you know a lot about each other, think how much
more you'll know later, and what a better informed decision
you'll be able to make.
Just on a chance, you have to
realize that people can hold up pretty good facades or fronts
for a month. He may be prince charming this month, but you
could find out later (hopefully sooner if it's the case) that
he's the player from hell, and he's tricked a lot of girls
with his charm.
Just don't jump into anything.
Know all of the possible outcomes. Sex is a big responsibility,
actually, and people tend to overlook that part.
Pregnancy, STD's etc...We don't
like to think about them, but it's a part of the decision
to have sex. Condoms are good way to reduce the chance of
STD's and pregnancy, but they are not 100%. Have you thought
about going on the pill as well? Look into all your options.
You sound like a responsible
girl, and I hope that whatever you do decide is the wisest
decision for you.
See Sexuality/
Teen Sex
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
Does Sex Hurt?
Q: Does sex
hurt you?
A: The
first time that many young women have sex it may hurt or feel
uncomfortable. This can be due to a couple of reasons.
When a woman becomes sexually
excited, her vagina becomes wet, making it easier for a penis
to slide in comfortably, but if a woman is too nervous, the
vagina may not lubricate, or if there has not been enough
foreplay, etc..., the vagina could be too dry to make sex
enjoyable.
Another reason is that if the
hymen (a thin layer of skin in the vaginal opening) has not
been broken yet, it may be a little uncomfortable when it
breaks and causes a little blood.
Sometimes a teen's body is just
not developed enough to even enjoy sex yet. Also, most women
do not experience an orgasm the first time they have sex.
Sex should not be very painful
though, and if it is, you really need to look at your emotions
behind sex that could be causing the pain - maybe it's not
a physical thing at all. Are you having sex because you feel
ready, and it's something that you want to share with this
person? Or are you doing it because you feel that you have
to, because it's expected of you, or because you think it's
a way to gain love?
You should only be having sex
if it's something you really want to do, not because you think
you are supposed to, or because someone is pressuring you
or expecting it from you. Sex is not a way to gain love; it's
an act of sharing. You should love your self first and foremost,
and not try to gain esteem, love, or anything else from sex.
It doesn't work that way. You have to have it in yourself
first. That's the only place it can come from, within you.
And if you don't love and respect yourself when you're deciding
to have sex, it can leave you feeling even more empty, alone,
or used.
See Sexuality/
Teen Sex
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
Do I Take Her Back as
a Friend?
Q: There's
something that has really been bugging me for a while. My
ex-girlfriend ended up using me to get to my best friend.
But now my best friend has a new girlfriend. Then the other
day she calls me up and asks if I want to be friends with
her again. She also gave me this long drawn out apology. I
used to really like her but then she really hurt me and my
ego. So I guess my question is: Should I be friends with her?
And I also want to know if this is a subtle hint that she
wants to go out with me again.
A: It
might be good if you can be friends again, but guard yourself
a little bit until you know for sure whether you can trust
her. If this was her subtle hint that she wants to go out
with you again, I would still suggest a guarded friendship
at first. You don't want to go through that pain again.
Maybe you'll see that she was
sincere in her apologies and wants to be a good friend (or
girlfriend) but give your friendship and trust a little time
to grow before you jump back into anything.
I hope it all works out
See Sexuality/
Teen Sex
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
toTable of Contents]
LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
Friends Or More Than
Friends?
Q: This guy
and I have been friends since the 3rd grade (we're in 8th
now) and I asked him out in 7th grade and he said yes but
during the summer he dumped me. And then, 1 week later he
asked me back out. Then yesterday, he dumped me because he
doesn't like me any more and he just wants to be friends like
before. I thought I was happy but I guess I'm not and I want
him back. So do you think he'll ask me back out like last
time??
A: First
of all, are you sure you really want him back, or are you
just lonely right now? He sounds like he sort of comes and
goes to you as he pleases.
You should think some things
over with yourself, though. Do you feel that he's disrespecting
you? You should take some time to develop your own interests
away from him. Join a sports team or after school club. Find
out if there are any fun classes being offered at your local
YWCA's or YMCA's,nd see if some of your friends will join
with you.
Whether he asks you back out
or not, remember to depend on yourself for your happiness.
No one else can make you happy like believing in yourself
can.
See Relationships
- Peers / Crushes and Dating
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
He's Pushing Me for Sex
Q: I've been
dating a guy for 6 months but he's 19, he constantly tries
pushing me into sex and guilt trips me if I reject him, my
parents don't know about him but my feelings about him are
mixed. At camp last week I met a real nice guy that's also
14, and we started going out, so now I'm cheating. I want
to get rid of guy number 1 but I'm afraid he'll hurt me if
I break up with him, what should I do?
A: This
guy is definitely not someone you want to be with. He sounds
like a creep. No one should pressure you into sex. If he really
cared he would respect your decision to wait and it wouldn't
matter to him. Get rid of this guy ASAP (As soon as possible).
Tell him straight out that you don't want to be with him,
and don't let him con you into staying.
I hope that you can talk with
one of your parents (though I know that's not always possible)
so that they can help make sure he doesn't hurt you. If you
can't talk with them, maybe try talking to a guidance counselor
or a friend's parents. It would be best to get a trusted adult's
help on this one.
If he threatens you at all, don't
hesitate to call the police. Then it will be on record and
if he tries to hurt you it might be easier to prosecute him.
Don't let fear control your decision
or make you afraid to leave him. That's what he could be counting
on, and he might try to intimidate you into staying.
Take precautions, especially
at first until he cools down from the break up. If possible
stay away from places where you feel that you'll likely run
into him. Don't go out alone in case you do run into him.
If you do see him, ignore him and get away fast so that he
doesn't have the chance to hurt you.
The important thing is: Get rid
of him. Good Luck!
See Crisis
Center / Rape and Crisis
Center / Peer Violence
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
toTable of Contents]
LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
How Do I Get That Special
Guy?
Q: Do you have
any tips on getting that ONE guy? I have been playing Hard-To-Get,
but it doesn't seem to be working. Please help.
A: The
best advice I can give on this is to be honest, and be yourself.
And I'm sure you've heard that before, and you're probably
not even sure who your real self is because you're changing
so fast and stuff, but essentially what 'be yourself' means
is this: Be true to yourself.
Don't let people talk you into
doing things you don't want to do, don't let go of your values
just to make someone else like you, don't pretend to accept
what someone does when you really don't think it's okay.
Also, when you play games like
'hard to get' that's not really being honest is it? Now I'm
not saying that when you are crushing on somebody that you
have to tell them everything, or even immediately tell them
that you like them or anything; I'm just saying that when
you play hard to get you might be playing it too well, and
guys will think you aren't interested and move on.
And when you play other games,
like trying to make someone jealous or whatever, it can cause
resentment and make people not trust you, or move on from
liking you. Don't try to play head games.
It's also hard to find that 'one'
guy of your life in high school, because you will be changing
so much in the next few years, someone who seems absolutely
perfect for you right now can be all wrong for you next year,
or even next week.
Just as a note though, I hope
that you realize you do not need a guy to make you happy or
worthwhile. Do things for yourself, look at the things you
love about yourself and what makes you a valuable person,
all on your own.
When looking for a boyfriend,
get with someone who has the same values as you, who makes
you feel good, and who you have a good time with. When it's
time for you to find the right person you will. Don't rush
it.
See Relationships
- Peers / Crushes and Dating
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
toTable of Contents]
LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
I Deserve Better, Don't
I?
Q: Me and my
boyfriend had a terrible fight. Recently he said he missed
me and was sorry so we've made-up, but he continues to do
the things that broke us up in the first place. He's been
hitting on my cousin and I know he cares about me but I hate
when he does that and then try to cover it up. I want to be
with him and I deserve better.
A: You
are very right about the fact that you deserve to be treated
better. If he's still doing the things that caused you to
break up with him in the first place you need to have a talk
with him, one on one. Tell him that you care about him and
that you know he cares for you, but you just need time away
from him until he's sure that he can stop doing the things
that are continually hurting you.
It will probably hurt to be away
from him at first, but if he truly cares enough about your
relationship he will work on changing and stop doing the things
that hurt you. If things don't change for the better, then
you know to find someone else who can treat you the way you
need to be treated.
As far as your cousin goes, explain
to her that you know she doesn't want to see you hurt, but
that it only hurts more to have things hidden from you. You
need to know the truth about this guy so that you aren't wasting
your time or setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak. Wouldn't
she want to know if her boyfriend started hitting on you?
See Relationships
- Peers / Crushes and Dating
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
I Missed My Period
Q: Hi ! I'm
13, and I missed my period by a month and 19 days. Do I have
something wrong with me?
A: I would
say that it's pretty normal for a girl to have irregular periods
for the first 3 years of her period. It's OK as long as you
get it eventually. But if you miss 2 months or so it's a good
idea to get it checked out by a doctor.
Talk to your mom if you can,
or another adult (preferably female since they will be more
likely to understand, but sometimes dads can help just as
much.)
If you are sexually active you
should definitely go to a doctor or the local health clinic
(check the yellow pages). Depending on where you live you
can probably go confidentially (without them contacting your
parents) if you feel that you aren't ready to talk to your
parents about it. If you are sexually active, a missed period
could indicate pregnancy, so be sure to go to a doctor if
that's the case.
Good Luck.
See Sexuality
/ Puberty and Crisis
Center / Pregnancy
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
Is It OK for A 19-Year-Old
Boy to Go Out With A 13-Year-Old Girl?
Q: Is it ok
for a 19-year-old to go out with a 13-year-old?
A: I think
that the maturity of a person plays a much more important
factor in these situations than just basing it on the number
of years someone has lived. For example, I've met some 14-year-olds
that are way more mature than some 24- year-olds that I've
met.
There are two important things
to consider here, though, besides just your feelings for the
person. First: You should discuss your situation with the
younger person's parents. Yeah, I know, probably doesn't sound
like that much fun, but a lot of parents get really freaked
out (understandably!) by big differences in ages, and if you
are keeping your relationship a secret from them it will only
intensify their fear and anger.
So try to set up a nice dinner
at the younger person's house with their parents (or your
parents if you are the younger one) and let everyone get to
know each other a bit. They will be way more impressed that
you came to them about it instead of sneaking behind their
backs.
But there is still the chance
that they won't accept it, and you might have to give them
time, and prove that it's not about the older person taking
advantage of the younger one. If your feelings for each other
are genuine then that should show through. You need to build
their trust in you.
I keep referring to the 'younger
person's' parents because they are the one's that will likely
be the most concerned; but the older person's parents have
a right to know, also.
Second: There is the aspect of
the law to worry about. I don't think it's illegal to "date",
a younger person, but sexual relations with a minor (if you
are not a minor) is a big deal and can get you in serious
trouble. It differs from state to state what age is considered
to be a minor and what is considered to be an adult. You should
check it out before anything happens. Also, crossing state
lines with a minor is a no-no.
In a lot of states the parents
of the minor can sue the older person, or have them put into
jail. So again, it's a good idea to try very hard to establish
a trusting relationship with the parents and let them know
what's going on, and to check out the laws in your state.
I know, a lot of parents might
not even be willing to consider allowing their kids to date
with such age differences, but you never know what they will
say until you tell them. Parents can surprise you sometimes.
See Relationships
- Peers / Crushes and Dating
Experts
-Erin-
[Back
to Table of Contents]
LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
Is Masturbation Normal?
Q: I want to
know whether it is right or wrong to masturbate, and will
it influence my body development?
A: Masturbation
is a normal thing to do, and despite all the myths that circulate,
it does not cause any physical harm (it won't make you go
blind, or insane, or stunt your growth or any of that).
Although there is nothing wrong
with it in most people's views, there is a religious stand-point
to consider. (Some religions feel that it is inappropriate.)
Most people do it, and you shouldn't
feel ashamed or embarrassed about it, even though most people
don't talk about it, and it should be a private matter.
See Sexuality
/ Puberty
| 