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Ever
since the Columbine tragedy in Colorado the subject of teen
anger out of control is on every parent's mind. How can the
teenager be helped to express his or her emotions in a constructive
way? Anger and aggression are a part of life but the hormonal
edge of this age group may sometimes lead to forms of behavior
that are scary at best, horrific at worst.
Even when the emotional life
of teenagers does not tend toward violence, parents often
wonder how best to help their kids in this turbulent period.
One of the most effective interventions that has emerged over
the last decade is mediation, which involves a neutral third
person who listens, gets the parties to calm down and listen
to each other, and then helps them to reach a solution.
Mediation with teenagers brings
the principles of problem-solving to the kinds of disputes
that typically occur in the schoolyard and the classroom.
It's also helpful in parent-child arguments because the main
skill in problem-solving is active listening. Skilled listeners
are able to identify the real interests that are behind the
positions that people often take when they are under stress
or angry. "You're a jerk" comes out easier than
"I'm hurt".
I once saw a scene played twice
between a father and a daughter in a role playing session.
The first time the teenager stomped in and screamed that she
was never going back to her mother's house again because the
mom's new boyfriend was a creep. The father screamed back,
" You're going to go because otherwise I'll get in trouble
with the judge." The second time this scene was played
the girl said the same thing but the Dad answered, "Sounds
like you had a rough time. What happened?" The difference
in these responses is the power of active listening.
Parents and teens are being introduced
to mediation in peer-mediation and parent-child mediation
programs around the country and around the world. These programs
help to improve life at home and in the schools, creating
a climate of trust and cooperation in many situations where
it was hard to imagine only months before.
Listening and problem-solving
are the skills naturally used by successful parents and children.
But they can be easily taught to all parents and children
and help families reduce the anger and aggression that lead
to tragedies like Columbine.
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