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This
is a classic example of a conversation between Mother and
daughter who want to connect, yet lack the skills to communicate.
The Mother is clearly concerned about her daughter's well
being. She is attempting to convey the message that she cares.
The daughter, on her part, is expressing her anger, yet at
the same time indicating a need for the Mother's approval.
Each is attempting to reach out,
yet neither side knows how to connect. The overall experience
is one of frustration and distance.
The Mother begins by focusing
on the food. Through the food she is expressing her concern
for the daughter's well being. The daughter, Brooke, instead
hears her Mother's comments as critical and attacks in return.
Brooke feels locked in, backed into a corner. She can never
get her Mother's approval - she is either too thin or too
fat.
Brooke hints at her need for
approval/acceptance by asking "Do you think I look good?"
The Mother, feeling parental concern and the need to set limits
responds, "You look too thin." Brooke, once again,
feels criticized and just 'not good enough'.
By the end of the conversation,
the Mother has journeyed from being the "Interrogator"
to the "Martyr" to the "Authoritarian",
who comes down hard. The daughter retreats and resorts to
her role of being negative and rejecting.
As the parent of an adolescent
with an Eating Disorder, it is important to recognize that
food is a symptom, a smoke screen for other issues. Often
the teenager is feeling confused, insecure and out of control.
Unable to express these concerns directly, she turns to food.
Attempting to change her eating
habits directly usually ends up in a power/control struggle.
Instead, try strengthening other aspects in the relationship.
Let her know that she means more to you than what she does
or does not eat. The road to recovery is often a long and
difficult one. Stay focused on small and positive gains. There
is hope for the future.
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