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My
five-year-old son looked me squarely in the eye and proclaimed
me to be the meanest mommy in the whole wide world. Ever.
I must admit, it was a bit of
a shocker. I mean, I'm young. I remember being five. I try
to be understanding, try to put myself in his shoes. But,
dammit, he can not pretend to be Zorro and run down the street
wielding a sharp metal pole he found in the clearing. Even
if that makes me the Wicked Witch of the West.
The next thought I had was terrifying.
That means that my parents may not have actually been as bad
as I thought they were. If I was the Wicked Witch, that thought
was Dorothy's house. I was flattened.
It's true. Parents are not perfect.
Definitely not. But that's part of the point: We spend so
much time ragging on them because they are not this, or they
are too that.
Give them a break! They are only
people, just like you
To be sure, sons and daughters
of all ages tend to overreact, and to take things too personally.
But your parents' faults are usually not about you at all;
they are about them, and their own humanness.
However, the things that bug
us about our parents are usually real. Real flaws. Like a
dad who is too talkative to strangers, or a mom who is really
nervous all the time, or a dad who has no taste, or a mom
who is too tough and strict. But everyone has faults. Why
can't they?
I'll tell you why. Because they
are your parents! You thought they were nearly perfect for
years, when you were a child. You worshipped them
And then, slowly, you started
to notice that your father couldn't complete a sentence without
saying "uh." Or that your mother was always putting
herself down. And it started to drive you nuts. Why is he
so inarticulate? So unsure of himself socially? Why can't
he communicate? Why is she so insecure? Why does she make
such a dish rag of herself?
Of course you are bothered by
these questions. You have noticed something terrifying with
your new, more worldly eyes: Your parents have human flaws.
And that means...you do.
Your parents' quirks may also
freak you out because these faults have consequences for you.
If your mom is strict, you suffer not going out as much as
you want. If your dad is a hopeless nerd, you feel embarrassed
to bring friends home.
But things do become easier if
we look at things with a bit of empathy.
Why is your mom strict? Did she
have a rough upbringing? Were her parents very authoritarian?
Is she particularly nervous that something will happen to
you? Why?
This may not make it easier to
miss Rocky Horror (No way you are staying out so late, young
lady, and certainly not to see garbage like that!), but maybe
it will take the edge off. Your mom isn't mean; she's trying
her best to keep you straight, as she sees it. Also, she's
most likely scared.
When I first realized that some
of the qualities in my parents that I had been taking so personally
were really not about me at all, I felt tremendously relieved.
Seeing them as people with various bumps and imperfections
made me understand, a bit too late, that things could have
been easier had I been calmer as a teen.
Our relationship would have been
more productive had I spoken to their fears, concerns, and
doubts, rather than antagonizing them for not being like the
parental prototypes I had in mind.
As much as we resent our parents
trying to tell us who to be, we often try to do the same thing
to them. We can't create them in our own image. It's not fair.
There may be some things which
you will always disagree on (trust me!) But it'll be easier
to handle this when you realize that you can think totally
differently on an issue, and still love, or at least respect,
the person that is your parent.
So give your human parents a
break. Most of them are trying really hard.
Even if they are the meanest
in the whole wide world. Ever.
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