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Introduction
I've gotten lots of letters
concerning teen marriages.
Am I too young?
What's the
success rate?
What
are the issues we need to look at and discuss?
It's
my hope that in reading this, some of your questions will
be answered. It's also my hope that you'll be left with even
more to think about, perhaps aspects you hadn't thought of
before.
You and your partner are the
only ones who can answer these questions, and know when you
are ready for marriage, and it's wise to look at all of the
issues and problems that can, and usually do, arise in a marriage.
Why Do You Want to Get
Married Now?
There are many reasons that could
be pushing a teen couple towards wanting to get married. It
varies from couple to couple. Maybe the girl is pregnant and
the boy feels it's the only "proper" thing to do.
Maybe you want to get out of
your parents' house, and feel that marriage is that opportunity.
Maybe you want to live together and
your parents feel it's inappropriate to live together before marriage.
Maybe you are afraid of losing
each other and think that marriage will save your relationship.
Or, maybe you just feel that
your love is so strong you are ready to take "the big
step".
She's Pregnant...
If you are thinking about getting
married, one of the most basic components in your decision
is that it should be because you want to, not because you
feel you have to.
If the girl is pregnant and your
parents are insisting that
marriage now is the only right
thing to do, and you are thinking "ehh, maybe not so
soon", or even "No way!", you will have to
tell them. Let them know that just because you entered one
adult role too early (parenting), doesn't mean that you have
to enter into another adult role you are not ready for.
You want to take one thing at
a time, and not rush into everything at once.
You shouldn't be getting married
to please others or because others think you "should".
That's starting out a marriage with reluctance and regrets,
and that's not the best way to go.
I Want to Move Away From
My Damn Parents ...
Are you thinking about getting
married because you are having trouble with your parents and
want to move out? Realize that being married is definitely
not about freedom. You have a lot of responsibility (housework,
money, jobs, bills, etc...) and a major commitment and
obligation to another person.
If you argue, you can't just
stomp off to your room and close the door. You can't just
walk away and go home, because you are home. You won't be
free to just come and go as you please or do whatever you
want, because you'll have another person and involve him or
her in all your decisions.
Instead of just talking about
how much fun it will be to live together, talk about the aspects
of your daily life that won't be so much fun, and how you
will deal with that.
Money and Responsibility
How will you budget your money
for bills? How will you spend that left over, free-time money?
Do you agree on how this will be spent? How much will you
put into savings, and for unexpected emergencies? What if
there is no left over money? How will you relax and spend
your free time then?
Do you agree on all of these
issues? Money is a huge issue with couples, whether married
or living together, and one of the chief reasons given in
marriage surveys for marital problems. It may seem unimportant
now, or like a minor detail, but these are major things that
need to be worked out.
What if there's a special treat
that you give yourself every week or month, such as dinner
out, a new c.d. or video game, whatever? Will you be willing
to sacrifice this without grudges when money is short? What
about the stuff that your parents buy you that you take for
granted: Soda in the fridge, school supplies when you run
out, doctor's bills, new clothes? Transportation money?
And what about the extra responsibilities:
Grocery shopping? House work? Meal fixing?
How will you divide up the chores?
What About Your Education?
Do you both have the same values
on education? Many young people drop out of school once they
become married or pregnant. Attendance rates and performance
at school tend to drop as well. Finishing high school, continuing
education after high school graduation, and getting job training
are very important factors in breaking out of the poverty
role that many young couples face.
Are you willing to sacrifice
the time and make the effort of getting an education now to
live comfortably in the future? Is your partner willing to
help you and sacrifice by doing more around the house, working
more/longer/later at his or her job, or switching jobs for
better pay or hours? Is your partner going to help make sure
you get to school on time, and attend every day? Is your partner
going to give you time and quiet to study? Support and encouragement
even when he or she has to take on a lot of extra workload?
What if you both are still in
school? Dropping out of school to get married and work may
seem like the easy solution now, but higher education equals
higher paying jobs. And it's important to remember that good
paying jobs are harder to come by for teens who generally
have less experience and education.
Where Will You Go?
Where will the two of you live?
If it's with one of your parents, are both of you prepared
for the stresses this may cause? (Still being treated like
a child, having to live by their rules.) Will the other person
feel comfortable with and get along well with your parents,
brothers, and sisters?
If you plan on getting an apartment
or house together, have you worked out a budget for how you
will afford rent and the accompanying bills? Furniture? Will
you feel comfortable and safe in the area you'll be living
in?
Family Matters
Do you get along with your partner's
family, and vice versa? Family is an important part of your
life, and if you hate each other it can make life hell and
cause major added stress and tension to your relationship
with your partner.
In an ideal world, your parents
and your partner's parents would be supportive of your relationship.
Realistically, this is not always the case, for what could
be a number of reasons, including biases against religion,
race, age, or personality, and value conflicts. Situations
between families can be especially intense when early pregnancy
or young marriage comes into play. You can not just easily
write your family or your partner's family off. Things can
get difficult and you can forget that they are probably only
trying to look out for your best interests, but don't give
up on finding at least a middle ground, and working things
out eventually.
...And Kids...
Do your views on children coincide?
How many and when to have them? How to discipline? Does one
of you view spanking as wrong and the other see it as the
only way to make children understand right from wrong? What
about time spent with the family? Does one of you value career
success over time spent with family and one of you value family
time over all else?
How will you divide up the child-raising
responsibilities? Will one of you do the majority of the child
caring and disciplining? Do you agree on who this will be,
or will it be 50/50? Does one of you have 'gender role' issues?
Does one of you expect the man to work and the woman to stay
at home doing all the housework, while the other expects both
to work and share household chores?
You Don't Own Me
Some teens want to get married
because they feel that it will give them more control over
their partner, or squash a lot of jealousy issues. Marriage
is a partnership, it's not about control. Marriage doesn't
usually change a person's actions or make them "shape-up".
If your partner is a flirt or a partier now, they will most
likely still be a flirt or a partier after marriage. You should
work on lifestyle and behavior differences before entering
into a marriage.
Know what the boundaries are
and what your partner expects. Can your partner deal with
you going out with members of the same sex without him or
her? Can you deal with that when the situations are reversed?
Watch out for double standards and work them out.
Teens with higher self-esteem,
and relationships with strong trust, will have less jealousy
to deal with and may be better equipped to handle jealousy
when it arises.
Try not to be too dependent on
your partner; for happiness, money, your own esteem, etc...
Both of you should still be an independent person with a little
bit of a life outside of each other. It can give you needed
time apart and more to talk about when you are together. You
should be able to depend upon your partner, but you should
still depend on yourself first and foremost. Both people in
a relationship can quickly get sick of being in roles such
as "helpless one" and "one who has to do everything".
Values
Make sure that your values coincide.
While you certainly do not have to agree on everything to
have a successful relationship, disagreements on certain core
issues can mean major trouble.
Do you have a strong faith in
one religion, and believe it is the "only" religion,
while your partner is of a different religion, or has no belief
in a religion at all? In which religion will you raise your
children?
Some Tough Issues
Some people's views can change
on issues, but don't count on it! You don't have to agree
with your partner, but you do have to accept.
Can you accept your partner exactly
as they are if they never change any of their "bad"
habits or views?Do you
feel that your partner has a problem with drugs or alcohol?
Has your partner ever been abusive
to you, or have you seen violent tendencies in him or her?
These are huge issues that need
to be resolved before marriage is considered.
Statistics
According to "Teenage Couples:
Caring, Change, and Commitment", by Jeanne Warren Lindsay:
More than 60% of teenage marriages
fail within 5 years.
Eleanor H. Ayer's writes in her
book, Teen Marriage, that:
"A girl married at 17 is
twice as likely to be divorced as a girl 18 or 19. If a girl
waits until she is 25 the chances that her marriage will last
are 4 times better. Saying No to your partner as a
teenager does not mean saying No forever. Why start out with
the odds against you?"
If you are truly in love, that
love will still be there waiting when you are ready and mature
enough to deal with the problems and issues of marriage.
Some Final Advice
1) Get pre-marital counseling.
According to Karen Cokely, M.S.W., a Family Therapist, more
than half of all couples that come in for pre-marital counseling
decide to wait. That's a surprising figure! Love and excitement
can sometimes blind us to all the details marriage takes.
You can call a Family Services
Center - look in the yellow pages of your phone book (under
counseling, marriage counseling, psychology, social work,
etc.), or speak with the clergy of a church or temple about
receiving pre-marital counseling.
2) Ask people who were married
as teenagers for advice and insight into troubles they faced.
Many of your grandparents probably got married as teenagers,
but think how different the world was then. Women were usually
not expected to work or get continuing education, and it didn't
take as much education or training for men to receive good
paying jobs.
3) Read Dr. Tobin's marital advice
on this site for insight into common problems faced in marriages.
Discuss with your partner how
you would handle these situations should they arise.
4) Read the "Teenage Couples"
series by Jeanne Warren Lindsay. These are excellent books,
and I especially recommend Caring, Commitment and Change
and Coping With Reality as must reads for anyone considering
teenage marriage or just looking to improve their relationships
in general.
5) Teenagers are changing so
much in these last years before adulthood. Take this time
to enjoy learning about yourself, and growing into an independent
person. Take a few years so that later you won't regret rushing
from your parent's home into a marriage, and never getting
the chance to know what its like to live on your own, to experience
all the things you can do as a person, not just as a couple.
Be a whole person, not just a part of a couple.
I'm not saying that marriage
is not an enjoyable thing, because it can be a really beautiful
thing when both people are ready to handle it and everything
that comes with it, and to fully commit themselves.
It takes work, though. No one
ever says it's an easy thing to have a wonderful, lasting
marriage.
It is my hope that you make a
wise, well informed decision, and I wish you much luck in
whatever that may be!
Appendix
A:
Some
quotes from people in the know:
Kelly Bell, a marriage and family
therapist in Santa Monica, California: "I think anytime
we get married we should think about a lot of things in advance.
The biggest difference between teen and adults...is that teens
haven't fully found out who they are...and so will go through
more changes than adults."
Elizabeth, from Tennessee, age
18, married as a teen: "Young females need to believe
that they are wanted and needed. Starting in grade school
some girls feel lost and out of touch. I
feel that if we could get a course
started to let young females know here are more things out
there than kids and a family and actually give examples, these
youths would realize that they really could have a future,
and if they need to love something they can go and volunteer
to help children that are ailing and poverty stricken."
Michael Halpern, a Certified
Social Worker in New York State: "As to my opinion on
teen marriages, I think it's sad and much more likely to end
in divorce. If I were to get the opportunity to advise teens
before they tied the knot, I would try to help them understand
their motivations for marriage at that time in their lives,
and the potential consequences."
Jason, Married as a teen: "As
someone from a failed teen marriage, I personally would not
support a teen marriage. I have had too many of friends who
have also had their teen marriages fail. One of the biggest
reasons given for the splits is money. Money as it relates
to expenses and bills, as well as the money that one partner
does or does not earn. Another reason given is lack of communication.
It seems that in today's society, we too often keep our emotions
and feelings bottled up, until we release them in such a way
that it causes irreparable damage
to the relationship. People do not realize that if they do
not express their opinions, their partner is not made aware
of anything he or she is doing wrong."
Appendix
B:
For a look at marriage laws and legal
ages in the United States, visit: Weddingdetails.com
and
Freeadvice.com
or call your local county clerks office.
Resources
Lindsay, Jeanne Warren. Caring,
Commitment and Change. Morning Glory Press, Inc., 1995.
Lindsay, Jeanne Warren. Coping
With Reality. Morning Glory Press, Inc., 1995.
Ayer, Eleanor H. Teen Marriage.
The Rosen Publishing Group, Inc., 1990.
Lindsay, Jeanne Warren. Expectations
and Reality. Morning Glory Press, Inc., 1996.
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