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A:
The situation you are describing,
while extremely difficult for a parent to deal with, is perfectly
normal and very common among pre-school children. So the first
thing I want to assure you is that you are not alone in trying
to deal with this kind of a behavior problem.
With that said, let me give you some
tips as to how to approach this situation. Firstly I would suggest
that you analyze the situations where this behavior occurs. Consider
the following questions:
1. In what specific situations
is this behavior more likely to occur?
I know you said that it happens constantly,
but perhaps by thinking over the last few occurrences, you will
see a pattern. In this way you can both try and prevent it before
it occurs or try and work on a specific problem that may be causing
the behavior. Does your two-year-old often play with his older
brother's belongings (or belongings that he perceives of as his)?
Then perhaps you need to define better for your son what items
belong to him or you need to talk more about the issue of sharing.
Is your son more likely to display this behavior right after seeing
you give his younger brother a kiss or a hug? This might indicate
that the underlying problem might be jealousy towards his brother.
If so, then perhaps he needs a little extra love and attention
from you and you can discuss with him how much you love both him
and his brother.
2. What role, if any, does your
younger son play in this behavior?
Of course, a just turned two-year-old
cannot be expected to always behave appropriately or understand
the consequences of his actions, but perhaps there are specific
behaviors he has that contribute to the problem. It might also
be that your older son does not understand why you have different
behavior rules for him and his younger brother. While of course,
you can not have the same behavioral expectations for your two-year-old
as your four-year-old, it may help to keep in mind if there is
anything your two-year-old does that may aggravate the situation.
If you analyze the situation, you
may see a pattern that will help you know how to deal with it.
You will also then be more aware of when it is likely to occur
and can try and intercede before rather than after it happens.
Watch as your four-year-old approaches his brother and quickly
remind him "Remember to act nicely to your brother. No hitting."
You can also physically intercede and "help" him to
pass by without hitting. Hold your son's hand as he nears his
brother and as you pass say, "Good job, you are behaving
nicely."
While considering the situation may
help you to come up with a probably cause, it is unlikely that
you will be able to totally avoid or change the behavior in this
way, so here are some suggestions as to how to deal with the behavior
when it inevitably occurs.
1. Set up a time-out program.
You mentioned that you sometimes
send your son to his room. This is a form of time-out. Your son
may benefit from a formal time-out program. I describe how to
set up a time-out program in my article: Time-Out:
What Is It and How Can You Make It Work For You? You may want
to read this article and see if this is an approach that can work
for your son.
2. Make the Punishment Fit the
Crime.
While time out is an approach that
I find very helpful with many children, it does not work for all
children. Also, you do not want to overuse time out, since no
young child should be spending a significant period of time just
sitting in a chair. I therefore recommend that as much as possible
you respond in a way that shows your child there will be related
consequences to his actions. If your son hits your younger son
at the park, then take him home. Tell him that if this is the
way he acts at the park then playtime in the park is over. Of
course, there is not always an obvious response. If there is one,
however, this reaction is often effective. To read more about
this approach, you can check out the article Make
the Punishment Fit the Crime.
3. Reward Good Behavior
Make sure to give your child praise
and encouragement when he behaves appropriately. Often parents
give children more attention when they misbehave than when they
behave. This is natural. After all, you cannot ignore when your
child hits someone. You need to get him to stop and you need to
comfort the injured party. You can, however, forget to say "good
job" when he picks up his toys or finishes his plate at lunch.
Children crave attention. Any kind of attention. So if they get
more attention for bad behavior than for good behavior, bad behavior
is more likely to occur.
Try and pay careful attention to
the good things that he does and compliment him whenever possible.
Let him see that he will get more attention for 'behaving nicely"
than for "hitting." You may want to make a chart that
lists his good qualities and reward his each evening for all his
"great work." To read more about this approach you can
check out Parenting With Love and Don't
Forget Time-In.
These are some basic approaches and
ideas that I hope will help you and your sons deal with this difficult
behavior. I know it's hard, but try and keep in mind that this
behavior is common and normal for a four-year-old. This does not
mean that you should not teach your child what forms of behavior
are acceptable. But you can take comfort in knowing that with
the consistent and caring parenting that I can tell you are working
to provide, your son will gradually grow to understand the boundaries
of appropriate behavior.
Good luck and best wishes,
Esther Boylan Wolfson
Director, Early Childhood Development Center
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