|
Two
of the oldest and most respected institutions devoted to understanding
children -- Bank Street College of Education in New York City
and Parents Magazine -- teamed up long ago to bring
to the public a classic called "What to Expect of a Young
Child." Written by Irma Simonton Black for Parents
in 1941, the article was reissued three times in pamphlet
form by Bank Street. Although the black and white photos and
the language bespeak a former era, the information is as relevant
and important today as it was six decades ago.
Next to knowing the fact that children
need love and limits, the one thing parents should learn is
what to expect of our children at different ages and stages.
If we expect too much, we frustrate both our children and
ourselves. If we expect too little, we end up coddling and
encouraging dependence. But to know what to expect, we need
to know what children are capable of at different ages. In
her article, Black teaches us precisely that.
Let Your Child Grow at Her own
Pace
Black doesn't say much about the first
year, contending that it is usually a calm and cheerful time.
Interestingly, she states that "modern parents see the
sense in not urging a baby to walk before he is physiologically
ready to walk. Mothers do not prop tiny babies up with over-stuffed
pillows. They leave them free to roll and stretch to their
hearts' content."
Clearly some of this early wisdom has
been lost. At the time Black was writing, walkers, sassy seats,
infant swings and bouncy chairs had yet to be invented. Today,
when many of us think that more equipment is better, it pays
to pay special attention to her words of wisdom. Every physical
and occupational therapist will tell you that the best thing
you can do for a baby's physical and mental development is
to let her take it at her own pace and to let her spend as
much time on the floor as possible.
Don't Push Weaning or Toilet
Training
During the second year, Black warns
not to wean or toilet train too early. "Early weaning
is one of the most important causes of thumb-sucking in later
childhood," she writes. "The child needs his sucking
experience at breast or bottle, for his emotional as well
as his physical satisfaction, but he has no way of saying
so."
Any pressure or impatience about toilet
training is just as confusing to a toddler as if we were to
get mad at him for not walking, she claims.
And how can we tell when our little
one is ready to use the toilet? Very simply, says Black. As
with walking, he is ready when he does it! Both new routines
-- drinking from a cup and using the potty -- should be begun
when the baby shows signs of readiness and desire. And both
should be done gradually.
Temper Tantrums are Normal
When your two-and-a-half or three-year-old
throws a tantrum as you stuff him into his jacket to go outside
-- don't worry, Black writes. This is normal behavior for
his age. Almost all children this age show resistant behavior.
Why is this? A child this age is just beginning to feel that
she is a complete, separate person -- and an important one.
While she may not be able to tell you so, your three-year-old
may want to have a role in putting on her own jacket and she
resents being dressed as if she were still a baby.
"Now he would prefer mother to
be the helper rather than the boss," Black writes. And,
importantly, children this age are on a different clock. They
don't understand our need to hurry. Our explanations fall
on deaf ears, because they are not yet capable of understanding
such things.
We can best help children this age
by understanding their need for doing it themselves. How many
of us have heard our two-year-olds say, "No! Me do!"
or "I do it!" Even though they're still not very
good at whatever tasks they want to do, parents should give
their children the opportunity to do things for themselves
and share in their sense of accomplishment when they manage
to zip up a coat, or pull on a pair of panties.
If the child is thwarted in these desires,
he will "build up a store of resentment against the person
who checks his urge to take on responsibility" and will
end up having violent tantrums or being generally irritable,
Black contends. This is what we want to avoid.
While one child will resist getting
dressed, another will make a fuss at bedtime and a third will
refuse to eat. Generally, says Black, children will resist
in areas where they feel the most pressure from their parents.
If you see your child resisting, examine your own attitudes
to that particular issue and see if you can be more flexible.
Put yourself in your growing child's shoes for a moment and
see if that can help change your attitude.
Lay Down the Rules Without Anger
Insight, sensitivity and patience can
go a long way during this often difficult phase of childhood.
Appreciating your child's attempts to wash his own face even
though he splashes water all over the floor in the process
will pay off. If he feels your approval and understanding,
he will be more likely to cooperate when you lay down rules
or when you do have to hurry.
And here's some of the best child-rearing
advice I've seen: "Definiteness, without anger, is really
pleasant to most children," Black writes. "The way
they accept the unchanging routines of nursery school is ample
proof of this. It is impatience and disapproval that make
them feel misunderstood and rejected."
|
