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Dear Lisa & Tim, Your letter reminded me of our experiences
with our first child (we now have four children, ages 9-19). I
remember that feeling of dread I had around 7 at night, wondering,
will we get her to bed? Will she stay asleep?
We did get past that stage, and even
enjoyed bedtime with her and with the rest of the children. What
we did was just what you and your husband have so lovingly done
with your daughter - we gave in. And we learned to do so graciously.
The first thing that helped me was
when someone at a La Leche League meeting mentioned that children
under the age of three rarely sleep through the night consistently.
Why then did it seem that some of our friends had children who
did? It turned out that usually they were lying to us or kidding
themselves. Sure, the baby would sleep one or two nights in a
row and then when he'd wake up on the third night and the parents
would say, "Well, he USUALLY sleeps through. . ." Or
they might invent all kinds of reasons why it happened this "one"
time - she has a cold coming on, she's not used to the bed at
Grandma's, she's teething, etc.
OK, so once we were convinced that
not sleeping through the night was normal behavior, we realized
we then had to find ways to cope with the fact that no amount
of wishing was going to change that. That baby was going to wake
up. Fighting with her in the middle of the night was unrealistic.
I had already learned to try to avoid confrontations with my two-year
old at any time. She could always hold out longer than I could,
and we would both be unhappy afterwards. Just like you, I was
opposed to letting her "cry it out". It made my hair
stand on end, for one thing, and besides, it didn't seem the right
way to teach her to care for others when they are unhappy.
My choice was either for me to go
to her or for her to come to me. The prospect of getting out of
my nice warm bed at night for several more months or years was
not attractive. Besides, my bed was bigger than hers. It was around
this time, I think, that we spent a night at a hotel with two
double beds and realized that we had our best night ever. We went
home and bought another double bed. This way I could go back and
forth between my warm baby and my warm husband. It proved even
more handy when our second child came along. She naturally slept
with me, and there was still room for our first with Dad if she
felt the need.
My husband and I could use the second
bed for intimacy while our daughter slept soundly in the first.
More often, we would use the living room couch, floor, or even
our child's bed in her bedroom. (With this system, baby often
goes straight from Mom's bed into her own grown-up bed, without
even needing a crib.) The different locations sometimes even added
a romantic touch of the unexpected. As you can see, we did manage
to have four children!
And speaking of our children, it's
odd now to have those big beds in our room. We certainly don't
need that much space anymore, since it's been many years since
any of them would consider sleeping with us. They do grow out
of it, and now I'm hoping we'll be able to use that extra space
for grandchildren, one day!
For more on this topic, go to a La
Leche League meeting, or read Dr. William Sears' book, Nighttime
Parenting.
Ruth Lockshin
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