|
The
first article I wrote for WholeFamily, over two years ago, was
about time out. I chose this topic because the issue is relevant
to many parents of pre-school children who want to discipline
their children without spanking. I also felt, and still do, that
time out is one of the most misunderstood and misused methods
of child discipline. Over the course of the last two years, I
have continued to get questions from parents who are frustrated
by trying to get two-year-olds to go to their rooms and parents
whose four-year-old children are spending two hours a day sitting
in chairs. In addition, many experts today do not feel that time
out is the best method of child discipline.
So I feel the time has come to discuss
this topic in greater depth and to help you, as parents, decide
if this method will work for you and your child.
In the article,
Time Out: What is it and How Can You make It Work For You?
you will find a step-by-step description of how to set up a successful
time-out program with your young child (ages two to five years
old). Read this article to understand how it's done, but before
doing so, you may want to take into account what I call:
The
Five Time-Out Myths
Myth # 1: Time Out Works For
All Children
No one method of child discipline
works for all children. Each child has different needs and reactions.
For many children, time out serves as a bridge to help a child
let go of the "bad" behavior and move on to "good"
behavior. For some children, however, the process of being removed
from other people and given time alone is not helpful and instead
of calming a child down, it just upsets him more.
In my opinion, time out is definitely
worth trying with a young child. It takes time to set up an effective
time-out program and you should not expect a child to sit perfectly
in a time out the first time that they try it. If after several
weeks the process of getting a child to take a time out is still
a struggle, then you might want to consider trying other methods
of child discipline.
In fact, there are many experts who
do not recommend time out as an appropriate method of child discipline.
One expert who feels very strongly on this issue is Arlette Simon,
a holistic psychotherapist with more than 25 years of experience.
To read her comments on the time out method go to: Be Good Or
Else! An Expert Opinion Against Time Out.
Myth #2: Time Out Works For All
Parents
In order for any method of discipline
to work, it needs to be a program that a parent can implement
and follow through with consistency. Many parents find that a
time out is just what their kids need after a tantrum. Other parents
feel uncomfortable forcing a child to sit in a chair or take some
private time alone. In order to use time out, you need to be able
to insist on your child taking the time out, even if it requires
a moderate amount of force. (How to do this is discussed in the
Time Out article.) If this is not something you feel you can do,
or feel you can do consistently, then time out will not work for
you.
To read about two parents' experiences,
check out:
Time Out: It's Worth the Effort
Time
Out: A Mom's Description Of Why It Did Not Work
Myth #3: Time Out Should Not
Be Used In Combination With Other Methods Of Child Discipline
While there are parents and experts
who swear time out is the only method of discipline any parent
will ever need, I disagree. If you are lucky and your child needs
only two or three reminders a day to behave, then stick with time
out alone. If you, like me, have children who need constant reminders,
you may need to also use other methods.
A pre-school child should not be
sitting in a chair, without moving, for more than a half an hour
each day. (Even in five-minute intervals.) I therefore, recommend
that parents specify three or four behaviors (for example, hitting,
kicking or throwing toys) that will result in a time out. Then,
if your child uses a different inappropriate behavior (for example,
takes candy when she is not allowed) you respond by using a different
method.
For information on other methods
of child discipline, check out:
Making
the Punishment Fit the Crime
Don't Forget Time In
Parenting With Love
Myth #4: There Is Only One Way
To Do Time Out
Wrong. In the Time
Out article, I describe one type of time-out program. This
method works for me both at home and in the classroom. I described
it in detail, because I find that many parents do not know where
to start and want specific instructions. If you can think of a
way to modify the program I describe to better fit you and your
child's personality, that's great! You know your child best and
are in the best position to say what will work for her.
For an expert opinion about different
approaches to the time out method see:
Time Out - Understanding the Concept.
For a description of how one parent
modified the time out method to work for her son, check out: Time
Out: Look In.
Myth #5: It's Not Worth Trying
It Twice
Children change and each child is
different. There are many children who are not ready for time
out at age two, but may benefit from time out at age four. Don't
feel that if you try once and it doesn't work, that means you
can't try again when your child is older. Also, don't feel that
because it didn't work for one child, it won't work for another.
Of course, if you feel that the method just "doesn't work
for you," (see Myth #2), then it does not pay for you to
try again.
The Most Important Truth: Only
You Know What Works Best For You And Your Child
Now that you know the myths, you
need to know the truth: Only you can decide. In this series, we
present the options. My hope is that each parent will take the
information offered here, try things out and find the best way
for his or her family.
Read these articles
to help you decide if time out is right for your family:
Time
Out: What Is It and How Can You Make it Work for You?
Be Good or Else! An Expert Opinion Against
Time Out
Time Out: Understanding the Concept
Time Out: It's Worth the Effort
Time Out: Look In
Time
Outs: A Mom's Description Of Why It Did Not Work
Don't Forget Time In
|
