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"If you don't give me that,
I'm going to hit you!" my four-year-old said to her three-year-old
brother. I was shocked! Why was threatening to hit her brother
her first reaction? Why couldn't she at least try asking him nicely?
When I thought about it, however, I realized that she was only
imitating me and that threatening to smack was how I was keeping
the kids in line lately.
While I almost never actually gave
my children a slap, I realized that lately I had been threatening
to do so regularly. My parenting skills and the way that I was
handling my anger, was affecting my children's approach to each
other. If I didn't seem to have the tools to verbally resolve
my conflicts, how would my children ever learn these tools?
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| If I didn't
seem to have the tools to verbally resolve my conflicts, how
would my children ever learn these tools? |
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It was then that I resolved to rely
more on a different method of child discipline, one that had worked
in the past with my oldest daughter: time-out.
Time Out Requires Effort
I had difficulty making time out
work with my younger children, because of the extra effort it
takes. My oldest stands in the corner obediently for time outs
because I patiently stood with her there starting when she was
two. But with my younger children, I no longer felt like I had
the extra time to stand there. Instead, I had to clean up the
mess the offender created before other little hands got into it
and dry the tears of the injured parties.
After watching my children threatening
each other, I made the decision to change my parenting approach
and devote the extra time I needed to make time out work for my
younger children.
I now escort the offending child
to the corner - even if I have to hold another crying child with
me. While the guilty party is in the corner, I tell her that she
has to think about why what she's done is wrong, and before she
can leave the corner she has to be able to tell me one of those
reasons. This is obviously harder for the younger children, and
I have to do a lot of cueing, but the important thing is that
I make it clear to my child why she is in time out. When the time
out is over, I give my child a hug and remind her how much I love
her. I tell her that I have confidence she'll remember how to
behave in the future ("I'm sure that next time you'll remember
to explain in words that you're angry instead of hitting your
brother.").
It's Worth the Work
Yesterday, my three-year-old son
was playing with his Junior Erector kit when his little sister
came over and starting taking all the pieces away. He immediately
gave her a good whack on her head with what he'd been building!
I picked him up and put him in the corner for a time out. While
I was drying the little one's tears, I told him to listen to his
sister crying and feel how hurt she was. I reminded him that he's
three, he can speak beautifully, and he could ask her to stop
or he could give her one or two pieces of the kit to play with
instead of hitting her.
While he went into time out angry,
he came out feeling like a big boy with lots of ways to deal with
a crisis. Before he could go back to his game, he had to tell
me why hitting is wrong - he came up with the best answer - "Because
she hits me back!" While this was not exactly the answer
I was looking for, I felt that the main point was understood;
he was learning that hitting did not pay. I also made sure to
repeat for him the other reasons why hitting is not the correct
approach.
I certainly still see my children
threatening and hitting each other, but these successful moments
make me feel that my resolve to change my parenting approach is
beginning to pay off. I know that the process of giving over the
tools to work out their disagreements will take a long time, a
consistent approach, and patience. Luckily, I have some time until
they move out.
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