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The
fact that your son wears pull-ups to school and has not had any
accidents, indicates to me that he is physically toilet trained,
but psychologically is not ready to take off his diaper. It is
great that you waited and did not push him to toilet train when
he was too young, but by age five, for a child with no physical
difficulties, toilet training should no longer be a choice. Sometimes,
toilet training can turn into a power struggle that has little
to do with the actual ability to use the toilet. Your son may
be testing you to see how long you will be patient. Another possibility
is that your child is fearful of the bathroom itself or of the
responsibility of needing to go to the toilet. I would suggest
the following program. I know this program may be drastic for
some children and if you feel strongly it is not for your child,
do not try it. On the other hand, do not underestimate him. He
may surprise you.
1. Tell your son that he is a big
boy and that during the day, big, almost five-year-old boys need
to use the bathroom and not pull-ups or diapers. (Nighttime training
can come later.) Point out that he will be five soon and that
he needs to wear only underwear by the time he is five.
2. Pick a day that you will put all
the diapers/pull-ups away. I would suggest a Saturday so you will
have two full days to work with him before you need to return
to a regular schedule. Give him a one week warning before you
put all the diapers away. Talk about this step consistently during
this time. Make a calendar for him, showing how many days are
left. Each day cross off the day, so he knows how many days are
left. Encourage him to start using the toilet so he will be ready.
3. I know you've tried this, but
try again to think of a prize that he will enjoy for sitting on
the toilet. If he uses the toilet, then give him a small prize
and lots of encouragement. Also discuss with him a "big"
prize that he will get when he uses the toilet regularly. Try
and build this moment up as a wonderful, important step that you
know he is ready for.
4. Discuss his fears with him during
this time. If he is willing to discuss it, ask him how he feels
about it. If he does not want to discuss the topic, then simply
tell him how you feel. You can say that you are proud of him because
he is such a good, big boy and that even if he does not feel he
is ready, you will be there to help him.
5. Discuss what kind of underwear
he wants and go buy it for him. Show it to him the night before
and remind him that tomorrow he will be wearing underwear.
6. During the week, try to pay attention
to his schedule. If you see a pattern, then that will help you
know when to suggest he uses the bathroom.
7. When the appointed day comes -
take the diapers away! If he is upset, then tell him how
much you love him and that you will help him as much as you can,
but do not give in. Hopefully he will have taken you seriously
and at least psychologically be ready for this step. If you saw
a pattern in his needs to go to the bathroom, try and keep the
pattern in mind and remind him to go to the bathroom at appropriate
times.
8. If he has an accident, do not
get upset with him. Tell him that it's okay to have accidents
and that everyone has accidents in the beginning. Even if he repeatedly
has accidents in the beginning, encourage him and tell him you
know he will remember next time. Each hour give him a friendly
"reminder." Once he uses the toilet or if he has an
accident, then wait two or three hours before reminding him again.
9. The first few days may be difficult
for him, but if he is physically ready you should see improvement
shortly.
10. If you see an improvement in
his willingness to use the bathroom for urine, but a continued
difficulty in using the bathroom for bowel movements, then I would
consider allowing him the choice of a pull-up only for bowel movements.
The drawback of this approach is that you may someday have to
use the same program again, this time for bowel movements. However,
you do not want to set up a cycle that may lead to constipation.
If you see that urine training is going well, but bowel movements
are a problem, consider this option.
11. At night, continue to allow him
to use a pull-up. Night-time training is a later step and is not
nearly as socially important.
12. You mentioned that his fifth
birthday is in a month. Discuss with him that you hope you can
have a big party on his birthday and he can get a present both
for his birthday and for wearing only underwear. This gives him
a concrete goal to work for.
If you have any concerns about trying
this program or if you try it for several days and your son seems
extremely upset, then I suggest consulting with another child
psychologist. There are many wonderful child psychologists. It
may be that the first psychologist was a bad match for your family.
Another option you can consider is
going directly to a child psychologist and discussing this program
before implementing it. Different approaches work with different
children and it will be easier to ask someone who has met your
child if he feels this approach will be effective.
Remember, sooner or later your child
will be toilet trained. Your son is lucky to have a mother who
is sensitive to his needs and together you and your son will find
the right approach.
Good luck!
Esther
Boylan Wolfson, MA
Director, Early Childhood Development Center
WholeFamily.com
Response:
Thank you so very, very much for responding so quickly to my letter.
I truly like your plan and I will let you know what happens. The
part about testing my patience' really hit home!
We shall see...
Again, much thanks
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