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A:
I can tell from your letter that you are a caring mother who has
always tried to do what is right for your children. It sounds to
me like you may be suffering from a difficulty called co-dependence.
Co-dependence means that you take such good care of the people around
you that their difficulties start to affect your life. You could
call it the "taking too good care of people disease."
Co-dependence is particularly prevalent
among women, spouses of abusers (alcoholics, cocaine, etc.,) nurses,
therapists, teachers, and moms. Basically anyone who believes in
taking care of our fellow man.
The one thing you cannot and should
not do is stop caring. What you can learn to do is simply say "No."
You must stop helping the people you love with their difficulties
until they start to learn to help themselves.
This does not mean, of course, that
you should start randomly refusing every request. Choose your battles.
Begin to set limits with your children. If one of them calls you
when you are busy, simply say, "No, I can't help you right
now." Even if he insists, stand up for yourself.
The word "No" can have an
amazing effect on a person's self-esteem. What you might see once
you start saying "No" is that the people around you will
stop taking you for granted and start respecting you more. What
is more important, you will start respecting yourself.
Your children are adults now and you
need to let them take responsibility for their own actions. It may
feel weird and unnatural at first, but once you start standing your
ground, you will see that separating yourself from your children's
difficulties will give you a new feeling of independence and self-confidence.
It is also important for you to insist
that your children deal with the consequences of their actions.
You cannot allow them to expect you to help them out either financially
or emotionally every time they get into trouble.
I would also recommend that you consider
finding a therapist that you like, can afford, and trust and tell
him that you want to work on the problem of co-dependence.
Don't expect instant results. You have
spent a large part of your life caring for your children and it
will be difficult learning to "let go." But once you reach
the end of this process, you will be able to feel better about yourself
and develop a healthy relationship with your children.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
Marc H. Garson MSW, ACSW, ACP
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