First of all, I want to reassure
you that the way you feel is completely appropriate. Your
daughter is going through a time of life when everything is
changing -- the shape of her body, her relationship with other
kids, her sexuality, her identity. It's not an easy time for
children -- or for parents. Some insight into what is going
on internally for teenagers may help you understand and cope.
At 15, the work a teenager has
to do is that of separating from her parents and becoming
an individual. She needs to learn how to become her own person.
The only way she knows to do that is by trying out different
behaviors and seeing how the people around her respond. Some
of those behaviors are the kinds that the environment reinforces
and others are the kinds that the environment punishes or
puts down. In any case she's learning which behaviors work
and which don't.
Your daughter needs to find a
healthy way to develop and to emerge from this process. In
her eyes, this involves rejecting the close relationship with
her parents, a relationship which can be interpreted by teens
as being dependent and childish. She needs not only to carve
her own way, but also to engage in behaviors that are going
to cause that separation to take place.
What are those behaviors in her
eyes? One such behavior means saying to Mom, "A clean
room means a lot to you. I don't want to be so closely identified
with you so I'm not going to clean my room. I don't want to
fit into that perfect little girl mold, I want to be my own
individual." That doesn't mean that when she's 18,
she's not going to want a clean room. It means that right
now her primary task is to develop her own identity separate
from what her parents want her to be -- not someone with a
clean room.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
It might help to know that the
kinds of things you describe -- messy rooms, mood swings --
are typical of the teen years. You sound like a very capable
woman, blessed with strengths and insight. But none of these
tools are helping you right now. You might be interpreting
your daughter's behavior as meaning that you are not capable
of raising her the way you want. No wonder you're feeling
depressed! But hang in there, because this too shall pass.
Having said all that, there is
no getting around the fact that it is very painful for a mother
when a child suddenly ignores her -- especially if the relationship
was close before. Mothers need emotional feedback as much
as children do. When that's withdrawn, it helps to turn to
other sources, such as friends who are also mothers of teens.
And don't forget the importance of a sense of humor. Your
letter indicates you have a healthy sense of humor as well
as perspective; both are important resources for you.
Now for some specific suggestions
for how to deal with the issues you present:
- Remember that your daughter
is in essence the same person she was before her 13th birthday,
so choose your methods based on previous ways of relating
to her. If logic used to work, keep using logic. If a more
touchy-feely approach worked before, then go with that --even
if you don't see immediate results. (I used guilt quite successfully
in my own family when one teenager began picking on her younger
sibling, by emphasizing how much an older child's words can
affect her younger sister.)
- It's very important to be consistent.
Teenagers are testing themselves against their environment
and if the environment is constantly changing, they don't
have the framework they need to figure out what the limits
are. While there are no consistent rules that will work all
the time with all teenagers, your child needs to know that
you're always there for her in a strong and stable way, balancing
her inner feeling of instability.
- Choose your battles. If her
maintaining a spotless room is vital to you but you feel it's
okay if she ignores you once in a while, that will be the
battle you choose. But if giving her sister a break is less
negotiable for you than keeping her room clean, try keeping
the door to her room closed.
- Involve your daughter in decisions
that affect her. Say something like, "It really upsets
me when you scream at me for no apparent reason -- it really
hurts. Let's figure out a way that you can express yourself
without screaming at me." Or together, reach some kind
of compromise about her room -- for example that by Friday,
her room should be decent for the weekend.
Going through a difficult stage with
a child doesn't mean you're a failure as a mother. It takes time
to learn a new way of relating. She'll probably outgrow her teenage
years at about the time that you finish figuring out how to deal
with them! But remember, you survived the other two and you will
survive this one -- and the next one as well!
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