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Dear
Lost,
It's bad enough that your husband
cheated on you, but also to discover two years later that he has
a ten-month-old baby from this affair is a terribly painful shock.
You lost your mind and yourself. Perhaps, I can help you to find
yourself.
Every crisis that each of us faces
(and we all face crises) can be either a serious blow to our self-esteem,
our belief system and our sense of security or it can be an opportunity
to discover new strengths and values that we may not have realized
that we had. In other words, you can lose yourself (self-esteem)
or find yourself. Out of a crisis a new you can emerge.
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| To deal effectively
with your husband you first need to understand you… The person
responsible for your happiness and well-being is you. |
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I am purposely focusing on you right
now and avoiding discussing your marriage. To deal effectively
with your husband you first need to understand you. What do you
feel? What do you want? How have you dealt with your hurt and
anger? Do you know that it's okay to feel angry? He betrayed and
lied to you. Before you forgive, allow yourself to feel the intensity
of your rage. Understand and accept your feelings - they are you.
You probably feel like a part of
you has died. He betrayed your trust, your sense of security -
your feeling that life should and does make sense. However, you
are still a separate person. The person responsible for your happiness
and well-being is you. If you thought that job belonged to your
husband, you discovered what happens when you surrender responsibility
for your life to someone else.
Now the challenge is to take back
your life, to decide what you want and to act on it. To begin
to take the first step toward yourself I suggest that you find
a counselor with whom you can pour your heart out and who can
help you to reclaim yourself and your life.
Good luck on your journey of self-discovery.
Michael Tobin, Ph.D.
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