Dear WholeFamily Counselor,

I've been married for almost six years and I found out a couple of days ago that my husband has been seeing his ex-girlfriend all these years. When confronted he says they're just friends and they've never had sex. Knowing that he's been going behind my back to spend time with her makes me believe that he's in love with her. Now that all trust is gone, where do we go from here?

Dear "Where Do We Go From Here,"

I understand that you are very shocked and upset to find out that your husband has been seeing his ex-girlfriend. You need time to understand the meaning of that. What you need to understand is:

1. What kind of relationship does he have with her? Maybe a friendship, maybe an affair?
   
   
2. Such a discovery brings you to ask yourself the same question about you and your husband -- it is about time to look at your marriage and to investigate seriously the quality of your relationship.

The main point in your letter is the fact that your husband didn't tell you about his ex-girlfriend and this brings distrust into your marriage.

I suggest that you and your husband relate to this crisis as an opportunity to have a more open dialogue between you, a dialogue that may lead to greater mutual trust.

All of us want a harmonious and happy marriage, but most of us forget that it is only through crisis that we can learn who we are. Only then can we grow and become able to understand something about harmony, happiness and love.

Arlette Simon, MSW