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In
1969 the Governor of California, Ronald Reagan, signed the
first "no-fault" divorce law which made it possible
for couples to divorce without first proving the other guilty
of adultery, abuse, or other spousal wrongdoing. Within 5
years, the idea caught on and 20 states passed similar laws.
In today's courtrooms, "no-fault" divorces are common
occurrences initiated by one or both of the litigants in all
50 states.
Ironically, 28 years later, Reagans'
formal political party has had a change of heart. Many are calling
for more strength in "family values" -- believing that
today's family breakdown is the result of the increasing number
of families divorcing in the United States year after year. Some
politicians might even say that the 38% increase in the divorce
rate since 1969 can be blamed on quickie divorces that allow couples
an easy way out of a marriage that may not necessarily be over.
Supporters of this counterrevolution
add that their main goal is to support the children who are unfortunately
caught in what could be the worst emotional trauma of their childhood
. Leading the way is Michigan whose legislation, which failed
this year by a single vote, sparked a national debate when they
called for a "children first" attitude in divorce as
well as a return to the traditional fault system of divorce in
cases when only one party agrees to the no-fault rationale. In
those instances, one party must show fault by proving adultery,
desertion, physical or substance abuse or other spousal wrongdoing.
With Michigan advocates leading
the way, we once again see a surge in states jumping on the
same political bandwagon - with now over 20 states introducing
divorce law reforms in 1996.
It is easy to understand and appreciate
the trend towards strengthening families and their values - as
well as putting emphasis on the emotional, physical and financial
well-being of our country's children. But what I cannot understand
is why today's lawmakers wish to Band-Aid the problem instead
of fixing the source. The culprit is not the divorce itself, or
even how quickly it can occur -- but it is, in fact, how the parents
handle themselves before, during and after the split that will
lay the groundwork for their children's happiness.
By eliminating the "no-fault"
divorce statutes, parents will once again be encouraged to become
adversaries, pointing fingers at each other and fighting to come
out the one and only winner. Manipulated by attorneys, dredging
up private information and denied the right to decide their fate
-- parents who enter the courtroom as opponents will most likely
continue this winner-take-all attitude towards each other for
the rest of their lives. This is where the breakdown in today's
families becomes evident.
Instead of taking backward steps,
legislators need to look at the great strides that are being made
today with divorced families. Mediation and counseling are by
far more beneficial, with success rates increasing in areas where
mediation is mandatory prior to the first courtroom appearance.
The hope is that couples will be able to resolve their own differences
with a trained neutral third party who encourages them to establish
rules for post-divorce parenting conduct, custody arrangements
and, sometimes, child support.
Mostly, mediation is far from
adversarial because its success depends upon both parents'
cooperation and desire to do what is best for their children.
Generally, because both parents have been given the opportunity
to be heard as well as to express desires for parenting schedules,
many couples do not relitigate their cases. An added bonus
is that with a majority of these cases, child support is paid,
fewer parents are denied visitation and a co-parenting plan
is often adopted.
In reality, we cannot stop families
from breaking up. Legislators cannot step into people's homes
and stop them from calling it quits. Eliminating the "no-fault"
divorce will not cause parents to suddenly mold themselves into
the "ideal family" that these lawmakers are apparently
hoping for. And by putting an obstacle in the path of marital
termination -- one will not cause a divorcing couple to decide
to "try it again." Obstacles often cause more frustration
for the family -- adding even more discord and confusion to an
already emotional wreckage. By eliminating the "no-fault"
divorce, legislators will not lower the nation's divorce rate.
They will only create more problems and finger-pointing for people
whose lives are already in turmoil.
If lawmakers want to help families
in conflict, they should offer inexpensive counseling options,
children's guardian ad litems, step-family counseling, more court-appointed
mediation and educational classes. They should continue the fight
for child support, assist single parents with subsidized daycare
and initiate peer-discussion groups for children of divorce within
schools and communities. Courts should encourage co-parenting,
education, as well as transition programs for post-divorce families
and step families -- and make the ending of a marriage a family
issue -- rather than a legal one.
The solution is to advocate parental
quality, fairness and a spirit of cooperation: to understand the
dynamics of the divorcing family and to accept their limitations
and frustrations with their current situation -- therefore assisting
them in their healing. One needs to teach such parents how to
compromise and communicate rather than burden them further by
insisting that they blame the other, compete, and become even
stronger enemies than before. By focusing on the healing, adjustment
and parental responsibilities that are attached to a family divorce,
parents, their families and especially their children will grown
into a positive post-divorce family that will be strong, healthy
and secure.
Adversaries are for basketball
courts, not courtrooms or within the walls of a child's home.
Divorced parents need to be able to communicate, relate, give-and-take
and move on. Post-divorced parenting requires patience, understanding,
swallowing pride at times and sometimes having to stand up
for yourself. And when a child is shown that two people at
odds (and quite possibly with pure hatred for each other)
can put aside their differences for the benefit of a single
child, that child is shown and raised with understanding,
forgiveness, respect and communication. That child is shown
that there are no obstacles when it comes to a parent's love.
And within my own "divorced/step" family, love and
respect for every family member are our most prized family
values.
For more information, send a
#10 SASE to:
Mama's Little Helper,
PO Box 1127, Athens Ohio 45701-1127.
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