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Upon the birth of my youngest child, my older daughter told me,
"She is lucky to be born in this period of your life".
There is a 17-year difference between my two daughters.
I have often thought about this, and, over the years, have come
to the conclusion that each one of our children is mothered according
to where we are in our growth process when we give birth to that
child. My three children are markers in my life, each representing
a different period, and a turning point.
My Child of Love
My first child was born when I was 22. Married at 18, straight
out of high school, I saw the future blurred in a smoke screen
of teen-age love towards my Prince Charming husband. She is my
child of love, the physical manifestation of a union based on
passion and innocence. What did I know about being a mother? After
the birth, I felt alone, alienated, and guilty for not being the
radiant mother and wife expected by my family and by myself. I
plunged into a postpartum depression that lasted nine months.
As I came out of my soulquake, I realized that a first child can
make or break a couple. I divorced when she was two years old.
It was the mid-70s and I was swept away with the waves of the
Women's Liberation Movement. Being a mother was now fun and we
made a great team.
When she was four, I decided to start a new life in a new country.
My thirst for freedom had a price: I could go but I had to leave
my child behind until I 'proved' to the non-involved father that
I was serious, settled and could take care of her. I left.
I was still not mature enough to realize the impact that separating
from my young child would have on both our lives.
My daughter joined me in the new country nine months later, and
we celebrated her 5th birthday in the joy of reunion. We were
girlfriends. She was a full participant in my life as a young
divorced mother, full of life and lacks and needs. She was the
companion in my moments of happiness and those of despair. At
times the situation felt like more than I could handle, but even
in my darker periods, the thought of going back to the old country
was not an option - I had tasted freedom, and, even if it had
a bitter taste at times, I would never give it up. My daughter
was my motivation to grow stronger.
My Child of Repair
At 30, I felt ready to commit myself to a serious relationship
and I met my husband-to-be. Our son was born three years later.
He is my child of repair. I mothered him in joy and wonder, amazed
at the pleasure of doing the simplest things like feeding him
his first juice. I was repeating gestures done for the first time
12 years earlier, this time with blissful relaxation. I was a
late bloomer, finally coming to terms with motherhood and giving
it the space that felt right for me. After a year of being a fulfilled
at-home-mother, I decided to go back to studying psychology. I
was ready to search for rational answers to existential questions.
Three
years later, I became unexpectedly pregnant. I was not ready to
give up my burgeoning sense of a strong self, and I was occupied
with building a career. My first reaction was that it was bad
timing. I wanted an abortion. Very soon, I realized that, even
though I was pro-choice, I could not go ahead with it. The seed
inside of me felt like a full human being and my instincts told
me to keep it. At the beginning of the fourth month I had a spontaneous
miscarriage. I was devastated. Again, guilt showed its ugly face,
this time accompanied with grief, sadness, and an unbearable sense
of loss.
I started to wonder about the meaning of painful experiences in
my life. There had to be a reason, otherwise the pain was wasted
and nothing made sense. Psychology gave me some of the answers,
but if my mind was calmed, my heart was still longing for meaning.
I became interested in alternative mind/body/spirit therapies.
My Child of Soul
I was 39 years old when I became pregnant for the last time. By
then, I knew that souls have a timing of their own, and it is
always perfect. She is my child of soul. Mothering her is easy
because I have learned not to mold my children into what I want
them to be, but to respect who they are in their essence. When
I stray, they know how to realign me with their mothering needs
with gentleness and firmness. They already know what it took me
years to find out.
Soon after her birth, my partner and I decided to renew and strengthen
our commitment and got married. The three children were present
at the intimate ceremony.
There is no separation between who I am as a person and how I
mother my children. From my work with energy as a Reiki Master,
I know that each negative word said to my children leaves a hole
in their inner being from which their self-confidence and self-esteem
leaks. I also know that each word of love and each thought of
love helps them to expand into their full potential.
I thank my children for choosing me as their mother. As I look
at each one, I see myself at their ages and my heart swells with
love and empathy for the soft-spoken and strong willed eight-year-old,
the rebellious and bright 13-year-old, the gentle and free-spirited
25-year-old - all parts of myself, helping me to mother each one
according to his and her uniqueness.
I
have been a mother for a little bit more than half my life. Unfolding
as a mother has been and is a daily challenge, an opportunity
to grow and heal as a human being.
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