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Dear Feeling Lost,
You write that you want to save your
marriage and that you feel lost. What I feel in your letter is
discouragement, disbelief in any possibility of change or improvement,
tiredness and almost giving up on your relationship. It is very
hard to save a marriage when one feels that way!
You write that "you never sit
down and just talk, laugh, or joke together anymore." This
sentence shows me that there was a time, maybe a very long time
ago, when things between you and your husband were different.
My question is, "What happened to you and to your marriage?"
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| Maybe your
husband is having an affair. This is not a reason to be afraid
of becoming the laughing stock of the town -- this is your
life, not the town's. |
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From your letter, it is difficult
to understand the different components
of your relationship. You just mention and describe facts
-- facts that show how far you are from one another. How did you
get to this point? It doesn't happen in one day and I am sure
that it is the result of a very long period of:
- lack of communication
- accumulated anger
- frustration
- and indifference.
You mention in your letter that you
have worked very hard to stay together: If this is the result,
then something has not worked, even though you have made efforts.
And indeed it seems that you are close to losing your marriage,
so it is about time to wake up, open your eyes, and look around
you. You won't be lost, you'll just see what you have tried not
to see before: that you are extremely unhappy and that maybe your
husband is having an affair. This is not a reason to be afraid
of becoming the laughing stock of the town -- this is your life,
not the town's.
My advice to you is:
- Speak with your husband immediately:
Open up the subject of saving your marriage or not, and relate
to what is going on now. The present situation is very unhealthy
for all of you, including the children. Better to open up the
wound and let the pus come out rather than keeping it inside
and infecting the whole body. I believe that you are the one
who should initiate this talk since you are the one who wants
to save the marriage. I hope that your husband will listen,
and if he agrees with you, you should both go to marital counseling.
- Let's focus on you: What
kind of person are you? Do you have friends, hobbies, or interests?
What do you like and dislike? How is your life outside of the
marriage? Do you like your work? Do you spend enough time doing
things that interest you? Do you let yourself do and enjoy activities
like eating good food, reading, listening to music, going to
the movies, meeting with friends?
The bottom line is: start to take
care of yourself in any way that you can. Learn to like yourself;
be with people who make you feel good about yourself; improve
your physical look; take an interesting course.
Save yourself as much as you want
to save your marriage.
Then you will have the strength and
self-confidence to find a solution to your marital problems, whether
or not the solution is to stay together.
Good luck,
Arlette Simon, MSW
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