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Dear Hurt and Confused,
What you describe is indeed an abusive situation. There are two
roles being played in this 'game': the abusive husband and the
abused wife. This is a very painful and difficult situation for
you, and it has to stop as quickly as possible.
You write in your letter "there are so many problems in
your marriage that you don't know where to start." My advice
to you is to start by stopping the abuse, and then to look back
at your life, step by step.
First of all, what were the circumstances of your marriage? How
was your relationship with your husband in the beginning? Was
it based on love, respect, friendship or other positive feelings?
Or something else?
I understand that you got married at the age of 37. Did you have
other relationships before the present one with your husband?
Were these relationships different, or also abusive like today?
I believe that an abusive relationship like the one you describe
is the result of several factors. Let's try to point out a few
of them:
a. You don't seem to like yourself or feel worthy of being loved.
Otherwise, you would not remain with a man who has treated you
so badly for 13 years.
b. It could also be that unconsciously you give him the permission
to treat you abusively. Do you believe the things your husband
tells you? Do you think negatively about yourself in the same
ways that he criticizes you? Do you feel ugly?
c. Your husband may have the same problems as yours: self-hatred
and no self-esteem. He projects that hatred onto you and treats
you without respect. By humiliating and hurting you, he also disrespects
himself, even if he doesn't realize it.
I suspect both of you come from families where abuse existed;
it seems that you repeat unsolved patterns. My suggestions to
you are:
1. I hope that my message will open your eyes and make you understand
something about yourself. Then it may give you strength to stop
the abuse NOW, even if the price is leaving your husband.
2. Seek help. Counseling will help you gain strength and self-confidence.
Do you work? Do you have kids? What about friends, hobbies or
things that give you pleasure, joy and satisfaction?
3. If you make changes in your life and stop feeling hurt and
confused, something eventually may make your husband change. Perhaps
the two of you should try to work out your problems by going to
marital therapy.
Good luck,
Arlette Simon, MSW
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