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Dear House Blues,
I chuckled to myself as I read
your letter. I remember that moving into our new house, that
we had just built, was the single most stressful event in
our marriage. It's funny that this is something nobody writes
or talks about, but I believe that this happens with many
people. When you build a house you put so much of yourself
into the building (in your case, maybe your wife was the one
who did that) and when things are not perfect ( and they never
are) they are somehow seen as a reflection of one's self.
This is a very frustrating position to be in. Add to that
that the spouse may also be critical of things that aren't
right, and the other partner may perceive this as a put down,
or personal criticism.
From your letter it sounds as
if you and your spouse have a relationship that is fairly
open, and you can communicate about many things. I wonder
if you can dare to share with your wife your deepest feelings
and insecurities as well. My guess is that if you do, you
will find yourselves growing closer together. Your recent
discussion is a wonderful first step in the right direction.
I think that marriage counseling
might be indicated if you feel that you are stuck. At this
point it sounds like you are actually moving in the right
direction and if you can keep up the momentum of communicating,
and work on spending time with each other, away from the kids
and the house (a night out, once a week, or once every other
goes a long way) I think that you may be able to solve most
of this without turning to counseling. If however, you feel
that you are not moving, and feeling more and more isolated
and alone, that is the time to go for help.
Good luck.
Dr. Naomi Baum, PhD
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