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Dear
"Frustrated and Confused,"
My first suggestion would be for
the two of you to get some marital counseling, but given
the description of your husband, he probably wouldn't agree
to it. He probably feels that this is your problem and that
all would be fine if you just paid more attention to him.
So, what can we do for you?
Your schedule would exhaust Superman.
How can you get some help?
Could you afford to hire a teenager
to help you with your daughter or do some chores like light
cleaning or laundry? How about getting a sitter for a weekend
afternoon so that you can take a nap, or read, or have a
bubble bath? You need to start finding ways to do little
things for yourself that will make you feel good. When was
the last time you went to the movies with a girlfriend?
Do it for yourself; you work hard and you deserve it.
I would really like to see you get
into counseling on your own. There are some serious power
issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. Your
resentment of your husband's lack of help, and lack of interest
in your daughter, is obvious. I'm not saying that it's your
responsibility and yours alone to make this marriage work,
but if he won't get some help, then you need to for your
own sake.
Maybe you're reading this and thinking,
"But I'm already so maxed out. How can I find the time
or money for therapy?" Try calling around to some local
mental health clinics. Some have Saturday hours and you
could get a sitter or a friend to take your daughter for
an hour.
Ask your doctor for suggestions.
Many therapists offer a sliding fee scale. Perhaps a local
church or synagogue has a counseling service. Sometimes
they even have some childcare available, too. I strongly
urge you to get some professional help. This situation won't
improve on its own.
Even though you may be feeling resentful
at this time, try making a change in your routine and see
what happens if you do. For example, try suggesting to your
husband that you get a sitter for Saturday nights and that
it's up to him to make the plans. It doesn't matter what
you do, just get out of the house and be together. If he
gets it together and you two enjoy some quality time, great.
If he doesn't follow through, then you'd have to question
if that's what he really wants and if he is really interested
in making this marriage work. I don't know how old your
husband is, but there's a lack of maturity on his part that
is having serious consequences on your lives.
You sound like a strong, smart, competent
woman. It's time that you put some energy back into yourself.
You and your daughter will benefit from it.
Dr. Louise Klein
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