|
Dear "Dealing with Grief,"
There are several issues going on here
so let's take this a step at a time.
I'm sorry that both of you so recently
lost your fathers. It's very hard. You don't mention if your mothers
are still alive. Sometimes adult children have to deal with their
own grief and their mother's grief and increased needs all at
the same time. And if you have your own young children to care
for then you really are part of the "sandwich generation."
That is, you are in the middle, caring for the needs of those
above and below you. It's very draining. Is this part of your
situation?
I think that you recognize clearly that
your husband is invested in maintaining his tough-guy façade.
He's probably not going to ever be a sensitive new-age kind of
guy. So how can you deal with him as he is?
First, get yourself some support. Many
hospitals and clinics offer grief counseling workshops and ongoing
support groups. You'll be with others who have experienced a similar
loss and you'll find understanding and kindness there. This will
help you to come to terms with your loss and move on with your
life.
Second, if your husband's loss is so recent
then he is in the initial phase of mourning. This accounts for
the increased sleep, withdrawal and the outbursts. At this time
his behavior is within normal limits of the grief process. If
this stays the same after six months or a year, then I would want
to see him evaluated for clinical depression. I'm not saying that
this is the course that he is taking, I'm just telling you what
I would look for in a client.
In order to be a good cop, your husband
has probably learned to compartmentalize his feelings. He had
to learn how to do this in order to be effective in his job. Unfortunately,
the very same thing that makes your husband such a good cop is
a drawback when dealing with his own life. I also am aware that
there can be a stigma attached to seeking out psychological help.
Most police departments have clinical psychologists
on staff. If you see that your husband's behavior becomes dangerous
to himself or others around him, then you might want to approach
the police psychologist yourself, or at least talk with your husband's
boss about it. I realize that he might see this as a "betrayal,"
but you have to ask yourself what the goal is here. Do you get
help for him, or continue to pretend that everything is "fine"?
You say that you are a Christian family.
Is there a family priest or minister that you can turn to for
help? Your husband might be more receptive to seeing someone from
his church and many clergy these days are trained to do counseling.
If your husband won't go to counseling, then go yourself. Get
as much support as you can and this will make you stronger.
I don't believe that your marriage will
always feel this way. You and your husband are going through many
changes brought on by these recent deaths. Often the death of
a father hits men very hard because they feel like they're "next-in-line."
Their fathers serve as buffers between them and death. When that's
gone they feel more vulnerable.
I don't know exactly what your husband's
job comprises, but to be a cop today is to know that death could
be anywhere and could come at anytime. It's likely that this could
be on his mind as well. The important thing is to take care of
yourself and then you'll be able to handle whatever else arises.
Dr. Louise Klein
|
