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Dear Loves Them All,
I suspect from your letter that your
husband is experiencing a separation crisis from your college
kids - a reaction to the "empty nest."
You write that "he asks all
about what they say but when he sees them he acts very distant
and hardly talks to them." It seems to me that he is angry
and resentful. The separation may be difficult and painful for
him, to the extent that he can't face his emotions. As a result,
he withdraws and acts distant.
It is normal to go through a crisis
when the children leave home. It is not easy, even though it is
a healthy and positive process. When kids leave home, they leave
room for something else. There remains a space in the house, a
void that has to be filled. An empty space can produce uneasiness,
discomfort, anxiety, emptiness, etc. until it is filled with something
new.
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| An empty
space can produce uneasiness, discomfort, anxiety, emptiness,
etc. until it is filled with something new. |
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Sometimes children have the role
of neutralizing or moderating
the relationship between parents, and when they leave, the parents
have to readjust to a new relationship dynamic. Some parents feel
a loss when the children leave; others are threatened by the possibility
of additional intimacy between them and don't know how to deal
with the new closeness; yet others feel anxious because they are
dealing with an important change without knowing what comes next.
It seems to me that your husband
is sending you a message through his behavior: the two of you
haven't dealt with the change in your life, and you need to sit
and talk. He needs you to concentrate on him, instead of on the
kids, and he doesn't seem to know how to say that.
I suggest that you:
- Tell your husband that you
know he has a problem. He's afraid to confront his feelings,
and you are there to help him.
- Tell him what you feel about your
kids leaving home. Both of you are probably scared by the novel
situation of being a couple again after so many years of being
parents. Without the kids at home, you need to learn to confront
each other, communicate, and strengthen your relationship as
a couple.
- Let your husband bring up his
feelings of pain, anger or fear if he feels like it. Listen
to him without an agenda.
- Try to figure out together what
changes you are undergoing, and discuss your plans to adjust
to these changes. Planning your future can help to alleviate
feelings of fear, pain and anxiety and will reinforce feelings
of security and togetherness.
Good luck,
Arlette Simon, MSW
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