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Dear "Messed up Mom,"
You are not messed up, dear mom.
But you are right about what you feel. You do definitely
feel that your mothering is not what it should be and is
not what it could be. You feel confused because you feel
trapped, helpless, and have the feeling that whatever you
do is wrong, and will make things worse. Therefore you also
have guilt. Guilt for making the wrong decisions. So fear
and guilt are what accompany you in life, wherever you go,
whatever you do, whatever you think.
There are a lot of issues that you're
dealing with. In this letter we can only help you to identify
what are your most immediate and pressing concerns and how
to go about solving them. We shall not discuss your relationships
or the issues surrounding your love life or even your unhappy
childhood, for these are less important.
It is your role as a mother and the
welfare of your children that need your immediate attention.
So we shall now state what we believe
are the most important facts of your life right now:
- Your husband is being physically
abusive to your children.
- Your husband is being emotionally
abusive to your children
- Your ex-husband has been sexually
abusive to your children and you are very concerned about
his reentry into your lives.
Are we correct?
If so, you have to be clear about
the following:
You cannot permit your children to
be physically or emotionally abused. It is entirely your
responsibility as a mother and no one else can or will do
it.
We want to help you to take responsibility
for your children. Here are our suggestions on how you should
go about doing this.
Go get help at the social services
where you live. Talk with a social worker and talk to him
about the dramatic situation you and especially your children
are in. You may have to go to report any abuse to the police.
We know it is a difficult step, so you might want to get
support.
Put your children in contact with
a social worker. Let them talk to him/her about their problems.
Now the following has to be clear
to you:
You have often made wrong decisions
in life not because you are a "bad person," you
are not, but because you have been guided by fear and guilt.
Furthermore, you have often made
the right decisions in life, but they have left you full
of guilt (such as taking away your children's abusing daddy
from them). This makes for all the confusion, fear and guilt
you might have about making any decision at all to protect
your kids.
It is therefore very important to
get professional help in making the right decisions. A professional
can help remind you what you really care about and can help
give you the support to make the right decisions.
What is important is your physical
and emotional well being and that of your children.
Dear Loving Mom, just do it...
Marc Gelkopf, PhD, and Elisabeth
Belais-Gelkopf, SW
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