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Dear "Frustrated and Confused,"
We hear your strength, but also your
anguish. We hear that you not only feel that you have no
time for yourself, but that your husband makes demands on
you that you can't fulfill, and that he accuses you of not
loving him because you cannot seem to make time for him.
Becoming parents is not easy. It
is, as you know now, time consuming, demanding and emotionally
and psychologically very rewarding but often also very tiring
and confusing. Becoming parents changes everything. By "everything"
we mean to say that you take up new roles, which change
the way you related to one another.
There are different kinds of mother
and father roles that you can take upon yourself. It appears
that you have taken on the role of the over-functioning
mom who is responsible for everybody's welfare. You are
the Big Giver who has to satisfy your child and your husband.
The Big Giver is in a perpetually losing position. You just
can't satisfy all the people all the time.
Your husband has taken the complementary
role to the Big Giver. He is the Dissatisfied Man/Child.
He still wants to be mothered by you and has probably not
completely realized his role as a father. The child role
he keeps holding on to is the "mother doesn't love
me" role. This makes him compete with your daughter.
To resolve this issue you
might want to do a number of things:
- You might want to join a parent's
group that discusses the problems you and your husband
have so that he can identify with his new role as a father
and find out how he can let go of being "the unloved
little boy."
- You might want to get help at
home -- help in cleaning and babysitting, which could
give you some time to spend with your husband.
- You might want to take time for
yourself. Do things you enjoy, have a hobby, anything
that really makes you happy and satisfied.
The most important thing is for you
to find satisfaction as a mom, as a wife, as you.
Be strong...but enjoy it!!
Marc Gelkopf, PhD, psychologist and
Elisabeth Belais-Gelkopf, SW
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